How did this happen?

How did I let my emotions become so completely intertwined with food???

More importantly, how do I stop it?

It probably happened slowly, over time, without me even noticing it. I mean, it's food! It's alive, but it doesn't have a soul. It shouldn't have this kind of power over me. It literally can determine whether I have a bad day or a good day. Feel good or feel guilty. I'm either a bad person because of what I eat or a good person because of what I didn't eat. I mean, it's food! It has one purpose in life - to nourish our bodies. And yet for me, it has become so much more than that. How did this happen? Why did this happen? But what really stumps me is how to stop it. I am at a complete loss as to figure that out. There have been so many times I think I'm on the right track, but there's something that holds me back, prevents me from moving forward. I make a few wrong choices and my emotions head south and I just want to eat more to cover up those emotions. It has to stop, I just don't know how.

No title

What a morning. I hate McDonalds. I hate that I go there and eat their food. I hate that I feel the way I do. I hate that I feel bigger and bigger every day. I hate it. I hate my actions. I hate my inactions. I hate that I just took out my fall/winter clothes and they are too small. I hate that these pants are too tight for me and I feel so uncomfortable. I hate that I am alone. I hate that I feel bloated from the breakfast I ate this morning. I hate that other people have found someone special and that I don't have anyone right now. I hate that I'm stuck. I hate this. I hate the wall. I hate that I feel powerless to do anything about it. I hate it. I hate that the scale stays in the 290's which is higher than I've ever been before in my life. I hate that I have so many wonderful people to support me and yet I feel as though I let them down time and time again because as bad as I want it, I have been unable to do it. I hate feeling guilty. I hate feeling depressed about all of this. I hate my weaknesses. I hate my lack of control. I hate feeling different. I hate feeling like an outsider. I hate not being able to do things anymore because I'm too flippin obese. I hate my lack of discipline. I hate not knowing how to overcome this. I hate knowing what to do and yet not doing it. I hate it.

Looking up again

I keep meaning to write more often, but it seems as though life just keeps getting busier and busier. Last weekend I spent an amazing weekend in Arizona visiting my family and having a great time enjoying the weather. I love going out there to visit...surrounded by people I love and people who love me...and a nice warm sun in March :)

Things are doing better on the emotional side as well. It's the same old familiar cycle of doing good, then for some reason sinking down and eventually coming back up again. It's kinda scary on those times I sink down and I just get so tired of struggling all the time just to maintain and not gain, not to mention trying to actually lose the weight. I've been focusing on the problems I have at school and things I need to do and instead of continuing to moan about them, I'm concentrating on doing it better. It's such a load though, I could really use someone to help me out on a regular basis and take some of the responsibility of being treasurer. It's a volunteer position and is at least a part time job...unfortunately it's one that doesn't pay. I have some other responsibilities in addition to just wanting to spend some time with my family once in a while and relax so I don't burn myself out. Ahh...the joys of being an adult I guess.

My focus this month is to get away from the fast food as much as possible and once in a while have a planned indulgence instead of constant junk food. My exercise is up as I really, really want to be in training for the 3 day walk for breast cancer. We are planning some events coming up to have some fun and raise money for the walk. My hope is that if everyone I come into contact with, who sees my message will donate at least $5, my goal should be reached in no time at all! But it can't be done without the help of many, many people! I know that we can make a difference!

The bottom of the barrel

Seems my mood goes in these cycles...I'm going good on the way I want to be going and then I get off track, spiral down until I hit bottom and then start to climb back out again. I know that struggles are supposed to make you stronger, but this is really starting to wear on me. I totally hit bottom the other day (but it did include a 2 mile walk), then found out my friend's baby died during childbirth and that was it. Ate a dinner from Wendy's that was enough for at least 3 people and went to bed the worst I've felt in a long time. The next day, I couldn't hide how I was feeling for a million bucks. I know my students were totally puzzled about my attitude, but I really couldnt' fake it anymore. By midday, I had recieved a gift on my desk from one of my parents (it was Teacher Appreciation Day) and she gave me a new scarf and it was that one simple gift (she knew I just started buying scarves) that put a smile on my face again and I could feel the duldroms lifting again. I still have so much to do and it seems like I have no time to do it, but things seem a little better now and my students are happy that their teacher seems like herself again. And so am I. I'm not back to normal, but I'm getting there again. I stepped on the scale and I had gained 10 lbs. Now, I know some of that was water, but some wasn't, I've been eating horribly. But this morning I was back out of the 280's to 279 again, and that helped. Most of the hopelessness I felt is gone again, but I know some of it still lingers. I've really been thinking lately about getting some professional help, but I'm not sure where to go or who to go to. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I need to make some changes.

What a weekend!

It was crazy, it was full and I am thankful that it did not seem to go too fast! Friday night I had some friends and family come over (including my adorable 9 month old nephew!) and help me move some things around in order to get ready for my new roomate to move in. Included in the crowd was my cousin Mel who was starting her spring break and her boyfriend from Germany, who turned out to be a really great guy! Fun, witty, great sense of humor and not too bad on the eyes! We ended up leaving my house and going to my sister's and didn't get to bed until around 2. They left early the next morning for the drive to her parents house in Maryland.
Saturday was more cleaning and more moving in getting ready for the roommate...as was Sunday. Sunday evening she brought over her first load of stuff and my friend R stopped by for a while. After she brought over her second load of stuff (including 3 cats!), we all went out to find something to eat and stayed out 'til about 12:30. We found a local bar that has pretty good food and a DJ that was playing some awesome music (who tried to get my new roommate to go home with him! LOL)
So here I am...Monday morning and back at school..but this time I get to be in my pajamas! It's Lutheran school's week and sort of a spirit week for us including PJ day, sports day, crazy hair day and red white and blue day. One of the days is also teacher appreciation day and we get a special lunch from Olive Garden or someplace nice like that. We do a student appreciation day too where we get a half day of school and let the kids go rollerskating at the local rollerskating rink.

This also starts week 2 of the training for the 3 day walk for breast cancer. I didn't do too well on the walking last week, but a little is better than none and my goal for this week is to do more than last week and keep building it up. Hopefully we'll have some nice days so I can go outside and walk.

Week one is not over yet...still training

OK, because of the rain last night, I did not go out and walk. With everything else going on this week, it's hard to find the time as well, but I did get one mile on my gazelle. I know it's not the same as actual walking, but it felt good anyway. Today is supposed to be cross training, so I'm going to move furniture around in preparation of my friend moving in with me. Some friends and family are coming over to help me with the heavy stuff and I'm getting them pizza for their efforts and time. This weekend the training consists of walking 3 miles both Saturday and Sunday. It's going to be a bit chilly, but no precipitation forcasted, so I will bundle up and hit the walking trail both days to get my time in.

I'm still trying to get in touch with the guy who railroaded me Monday night. Every night I try and call him and I freak out! I get so upset, I want no contact with him at all, but there's no getting around it, I have to do it. I will take care of it this weekend, one way or the other and stop being so silly about it.

Training week one continues

What a week this has been...what a rare mood I'm in...and I'm not in love either :P It's been a crazy week of school, work, training, and my friend moving in. And it hasn't had a good effect on my eating either. Just last night, I freaked out because I have to get some information to someone about treasurer stuff. A person who completely humiliated me at our meeting Monday night. Instead of just dealing with talking to him, I went through the drive through at Wendy's, got enough food for about 2-3 people and stuffed my face when I got home. Fell asleep on the couch at 8:30. I have to talk to him, but I'm so upset by what happened, I'm finding it very difficult. Now that I have a better understanding of how I am feeling (last night I was tired and not thinking much at all), I will be ready to talk to him tonight and fend off any distractions and just get the whole unpleasant experience over and done with.

The working out part has been good though. I borrowed my sister's Wii Fit to see if I wanted to invest in one myself and have been getting about 10 min a day on it and because it was so nice last night, I did a 1.2 mile walk around the neighborhood, in addition to a little time on my Gazelle. Tonight will be rain so I will be on my Gazelle - hopefully for a longer time this time, and getting the house ready for my friend to move in this weekend.

Well, I hear my students coming, so I better get going. Peace out.

Training...week 1

In 24 short weeks, my team and I will be walking in the 3 day walk for breast cancer. This first week, I will need to be walking. They recommend 4 days of 3 miles each day, but I know I'm not ready to do that. they also recommend some cross training one of the days, which isn't a big deal.

The food still is not where I want it to be (aka I had BK for breakfast this morning). Classic case of horrible meeting last night and I let it carry over to my choice for breakfast this morning. I will not let the rest of the day be dictated by my emotions...that is my goal for today.

Right now I'm just trying to take my mind off the meeting last night and concentrate on the day ahead and lesson plans. I'm about ready to give up my position as treasurer of my congregation because I don't think I'm the right person for the job anymore. I just can't handle all the work in addition to just regular life stuff. We'll see. I'll be praying.

A poem

it doesn't have a name, hence the lame title of the blog...lol


Reaching,
Reaching.
Deep down inside of me
Further than I ever have before.
Down through my head.
Past my brain thinking destructive, but sometimes good, thoughts.
Past my throat stuffed with food and cold water.
Past my heart, beating strong and working hard to keep this large body alive
Past my lungs breathing hard as I go up the stairs.
Past my stomach, growling in frustration and quivering with anxiety.
Off to the right I see a very faint glow and I know that’s where it is.
As I turn toward the glow, I see that the way is blocked.
Globs of fat and tentacles of fear start to grab at me as I try to get closer to my destination.
Holding me, digging in, begging me to stop now and turn away.
I keep going.
The faint glow grows brighter until I can finally see the object settled snuggly in the wall of fat, barely visible.
It is bright, but doesn’t hurt my eyes.
It is not very large either, only the size of a stone.
I stand there gazing at it longingly with the tentacles of fear holding me tight in place.
So close, yet unable to reach for it, right in front of me.
Slowly, I start to raise my arm, struggling against my restraints.
Feeling my movement, the fear digs in more and holds fast to me.
But it is no match for me now.
I reach out and carefully pull the stone out of its resting place.
There was but one word etched on the stone.
Determination.
Even though it was cool to the touch, I could feel a warmth starting to spread throughout my body.
It calmed the anxiety and quieted the destructive thoughts, one by one.
It urged my arms and legs to move forward.
It opened my eyes to the path in front of me.
It destroyed the unfound fears that used to suffocate me.
And as the determination grew inside me, two more stones appeared: purpose and peace.
I knew what was before me and I was ready to face it.
I could move forward and achieve those things which in the past had eluded me.
I was ready.
I was determined.
I had purpose.
I have peace.

No more January

January was not a good month. It was very stressful and I am glad it is over. It did end on a good note though: I am back to 15lbs lost from my highest in September. I know I haven't been blogging, but I haven't been journaling either, but I am hoping to get back to both. It really helps with things.

An update from the last month:

Work/school has been very stressful. My position as treasurer of my congregation hasn't been going well. Not to mention, we don't have enough money coming in to cover all the expenses and there is serious talk of closing the school. We are in debt and last year we were not able to meet expenses...a number as big as our debt. I enjoy working here, but I've been having issues with some people around here as well and it hasn't made for a good work environment. The only shining part is my students. I have the best behaved students this year and teaching them has been a joy! Now that W2s are done, its time to start concentrating on getting the yearbook done. We also have our social studies fair and open house tomorrow night...praying for new students for next year....

Working out/eating hasn't been too bad. I did not reach a personal goal of walking on my gazelle for 10 min everyday, but I am still aspiring to it. I've also made a goal for February: Fast food free! I've been wasting so many calories and money to those places lately, it's time to cut it out for a while. I also got a Wii...maybe going to get a Wii Fit to get some workouts in and track my progress. This past weekend has had some mini binges...not gorging myself, but eating beyond what is necessary. My anxiety is up but I think it's because of everything at school and dealing with my own demons.

I just recently read this book over the weekend by a psychiatrist who specializes in helping people overcome eating disorders. Among other things he uses mental imagry to help his patients overcome certain obstacles in their eating patterns. It has really got me thinking this weekend about the reasons I eat and the fears that are keeping me fat. I think that is also what has my anxiety up this weekend. Getting past those fears might take some work, possibly by a professional.

I will go more into those later, but for now, it's time to teach. Hope everyone has a good monday :)

Bathroom exercises

I just joined a new group on Sparkpeople and read a thread about bathroom exercises and I thought, what a great idea! With all the water I'm drinking, I am in the bathroom constantly. The idea is that when you take a trip to the bathroom, use it as an opportunity to get a little strength exercise in: wall pushups, squats, lunges, etc. We have a small bathroom here at school, so lunges are def out, and it's one bathroom shared with 7 other faculty and staff members, so I have to be careful how much time I spend in there, but there's enough time to do some wall push ups both times I've been in there so far today. I tried some squats and did about 10 of them, but the knee did not like that at all, but I will keep trying anyway. I just thought of this too...I can put the free weights I have in the bathroom and get some sets of bicep curls or something while at home. Does anyone else do this? What kind of exercises do you do?

Confession

They say it's good for the soul, right?

After I got home from school yesterday afternoon, I had...well, the only word I can think of is fiasco. I won't go into details, but pop tarts and a half bag of doritos was involved, so you get the picture. I haven't eaten like that in a while...even now it's making me feel nervous just writing about it. I've kinda gotten away from blogging because, like everything else, I was comparing my blog to others that were written better, etc and seeing myself fall short of everyone else. There's no reason I should compare myself to others nor let myself feel less than they are because I can't write as engaging as they can. I do my thing and that's that.

I decided that, at least for a while, I am going to make this a food diary of sorts to make myself accountable for what I'm eating and the work I'm doing. I have no one to be accountable to but myself and showing it off to the world (who choose to look) will help me be more honest and careful about what I put into my mouth. (on a side note, I did a search one time for "No holes barred" and I was actually like 5th on the list! crazy!)

In addition, having gotten away from moving around and getting any form of exercise, for the month of January, my goal is 300 min of exercise. Namely, walking on my gazelle. that averages to about 10 minutes per day. Seriously, who doesn't have 10 minutes a day? To bring us up to date, I have done exactly 20 minutes so far, so i have some catching up to do.

So, to start my food diary..here are my transgressions from yesterday:

Breakfast: smoothie with 1 c skim milk and protein powder

Snack: 2 pop tarts

Lunch: PB and J Sandwich, aprox 10 crackers with cheese and salami, small salad, doritos, milk

Snack: granola bar

Snack: 2 pop tarts, a lot of doritos

Dinner: 7 sweedish meatballs, 1/4 c corn and 1 c. double baked potatoes, 2 grands biscuits, skim milk

Snack: mug of hot chocolate

It's a mind thing...out of the emotional and into the rational. Taking my time and concentrating...keeping my focus on the right things.