Week one

I did it! One week of walking! Ok, so it's not a big deal, I've done it before...in fact I've done a couple weeks. But, it's a step forward. Now, I just have to go and find what movie I want to go see tomorrow :)

My goal for the next week will be the same as last week. I wasn't able to do the strength video because, well, I hadn't actually found it yet (I moved a couple months ago). I finally found it at my mom's house. It was a blessing in disguise, I think because I don't think I was actually up to pushing myself that far yet. But this week, I will be. It's going to be tougher because I will be out of town from Thursday to Sunday, but I am determined to get to the movies again.

To be clear: Walking every day. Strength tape every other day. Make only those decisions that make me happy and ready to get through the day. :)

Why must we torture ourselves??

I just don't get it. But I do it. I see new friends doing it. I see people I don't know doing it. And the crazy thing is...we don't have to do it! No where is it written that we have to do it. Yet, like everyone is doing it.

We torture ourselves. We beat ourselves up, down and all around. And it's driving me crazy and I just won't do it anymore!!! We're killing ourselves because we need to know what the scale says. We tear ourselves apart because we went over in calories or we don't feel like exercising or didn't get all our fruits and veggies in today.

I would love to just slap everyone silly. Including myself. I definitely include myself in this, until recently. I have stopped beating myself up over every little thing and cursing myself because i'm not on track or the scale isn't moving. I don't know if I'll stay this way, but I'm loving how I am now!! And of course I wish everyone else would stop it too! So, you need a break, take a break! When you are rested, pick yourself up again. WHY MUST WE BE MISERABLE BECAUSE WE ARE BIG?? Why do we make ourselves this way? It doesn't have to be, it wasn't meant to be that way. I want nothing more than to knock that into anyone and everyone skinny or big. Flaws become us and damn it, I am just too happy with myself to care less!

And this has done absolute wonders for me. I have spent the week walking, eating smaller portions and enjoying it all. One more day of walking and I am rewarding myself with a trip to the movies. I rarely go, even though I love them...so this is my little treat for walking every day. And if I do it again next week, I'll go see another movie. I am finally doing things I only plan about, my struggle within myself has lessened and I'm moving forward. I hope and pray I can continue to do so.

So, STOP it already, ok? You can do it and you will.

Not myself today

Which is unfortunate because myself has a lot of work to be doing today. But I think I will lay off some of the more physical to accomplish other jobs to be done. Not sure what is wrong, just feel off. Plus, I can't take a deep breath without coughing which is also odd. The weather is beautiful today so I should have no problems with my walk...although I may replace it with mowing the lawn..not sure I have enough energy to do both today. Just don't know what's wrong. Oh well, maybe when I get some lunch into me, it'll be better.

HYC

Ok, so the scale stayed the same....275.5.

That's good. I didn't gain. The past couple of weeks, that has been my goal. Get my emotional eating more under control and stop eating to feed my emotions. Now, I'm ready to start going down. I gave myself a goal of one week to complete some goals I set for myself (see previous post). Yesterday I did my walking, so today I'm going to walk again and then do my strength tape. I don't walk very far yet, only 1 mile. But I know that as I get stronger again, I will be able to go further and faster. My eating yesterday was also more controlled. I'm following Jenny Craig guidelines for "Meals on your own" so that I have parameters to follow. I'm also writing it all down.

I hope everyone has a great week and is enjoying their summer! I may write more later, but I'm off for my walk before it gets too warm out!

One week

OK, so I set up some goals for myself and I gave myself the time frame of One week in order to do it. If, at the end of the week, I have completed my tasks, I will reward myself with a movie.

Goals: walk every morning (or evening) and do my strength tape every other day.


it's not much, but I needed to set a goal and reward to get myself going on a regular basis. I have a history of being sporadic with these things and it's crazy. So, what will I do after one week? do another week, I guess. I hadn't thought that far, just want to get through the first.

I've also set up a plan to be more careful with my portion control.

I've been wondering this past week, after my ah-ha moment about struggling with myself, I've been so much happier, but I haven't changed any of my habits. So, I was wondering..do I really like being morbidly obese? Do I really enjoying eating such large portions of food and sitting on my ass all the time? My energy fades quickly these days so I sit around reading or on the internet or in front of the television. Is this really a life I enjoy? After all, this is what I do and I'm not struggling anymore and much more peaceful.

I know it is not healthy to continue at this weight, but am I really happy being the way I am? Am I really, finally, happy with myself? So much so, that I'm finally ready to change? It's not going to be easy. It's a daunting task really, to set myself against years and years of living this way, feeling this way, being this way. Do I really have the perseverance, the discipline, the audacity to change myself? For my journal tomorrow, I am going to make a list of reasons why....not why I would be happy, because that would imply that I'm sad..and I'm no longer sad (about my body). But reasons why I would be happier and why my life would be easier to shed this extra person I have carrying around on my bones.

Perhaps that is why I have given myself the time frame of one week. When one has years and years of habits to change, one week doesn't sound that bad. After that, I think, I will just add another week, etc.

HYC

Summertime, summertime, sum- sum- summertime!

I love it! No school! Beautiful weather! Sunny days and thunderstorms.

Seems I've been through a lot this summer and it's only mid July. A very emotional summer it's been. But, I think it's been good for me and I will come out even better in the end even though some of it has not been good in the present, while some have great results (see post below "Will the real Tracy please stand up?")

I have finally gotten off my ass and walked 1 mile for 3 out of the last 5 days. One morning it was raining hard and this morning I had to come to school to do payroll, so no walking. It is supposed to be quite warm and humid, but I should be able to get one in this evening. they have been slow walks and not very far, but it feels good to be out there doing what I enjoy once again.

I did step on the scale this morning and it read......275.5. Some of the other numbers I didn't record in recent weeks included 276 and 279.5...so I am comfortable with those numbers. I am going to step on the scale once a week, journal my eating and walking (and other activity) and keep track of where I'm going. The other thing I am going to add is doing a strength tape every other day to add to the walking. My knee hasn't been so good, so we'll see how it goes.

I just got the internet at home, so I can now post more often as well as browse everyone else's blogs. I hope everyone has a fantastic week!

Will the real Tracy please stand up?

Are you the person you were meant to be?

This morning I have realized that I can answer that with an unequivocal no. I am not the person I was meant to be. The real me is inside, struggling to get out and be heard and recognized. It has spent years being tramped on and shut up because of fear, too much sensitivity, shyness and who knows what else. And she's ready to come out. The real me wants to stop rejecting herself because of choices she's made. She wants to enjoy going out as much as staying in. She wants to finally, really, learn how to cook...like an adult, not like a teenager. She wants to have time to get to know her sister and brother better, she wants to reach out to them without fear holding her back and be a friend and a sister. She wants to not only be independent, but be happy about it and content with her lifestyle. She just doesn't want to have friends, but learn how to be a better friend. She wants to take the time and energy to be the kind of teacher God called her to be.


How did I come to this huge, earth shattering realization? A romance novel.

Yes, I said a romance novel. It wasn't Oprah, and it wasn't Dr. Phil. It was a silly, cheap, romance novel. Not the skinny duplicated ones, but a 400+ page epic novel type. By the end of the story..her "love" figured out the reason she needed those outlets was because she living up to an image and being a person, that didn't fit her. She was not the person she was meant to be. Now, this wasn't a life turned upside down moment, but allowed a different view of herself that she didn't know about, and allowed her to let go of her demons and move on. Of course, they eventually all lived happily ever after as good romance novels never fail to give us that.

I love romance novels, I've been reading them for as long as I can remember. Lately though, they've been having a negative effect on me. I get terribly engrossed in the tale (as I do all books) and can't wait for the end when the struggles have been worked out and they find love after all. Lately after finishing one after another has really just left me depressed and sad at being single and have not yet found that type of love. As I contemplated this one I realized how much I was like the heroine of this novel.

I have often felt "rebellious" when it comes to food. And lord knows I've been struggling for so long. I finally realized though that my struggle is not with food but with myself. Well, i guess I already knew that, but I guess I really didn't know that. I never felt it so keenly before though. As I was working it all out, it was like another window had been opened on my path and I felt peaceful. It's not so much that I want to lose weight (although I do want to do that) is that for so long, I've been wanting peace. I struggle constantly with so much because I was, on the outside, trying to be someone that wasn't completely true to myself. I asked myself today, what was stopping me? I've been waiting for so long for my knight in shining armor (please excuse the cliche) to come along and save me. Like I was a victim or something. I have lived so much of my life feeling (and sometimes acting) like I was a victim. Of what? I have nothing that needs saving. I most certainly have it in my power to save myself (something I told myself many times, but never believed). I have a great support system and there's no reason not to rise to the occasion and figure this thing out myself.

So....I am going to sign off for now (perhaps do a little browsing), and get to work. She's ready to come out, even if I'm not quite ready for her to emerge. But I'm going to work harder at bringing her out instead of shutting her up with food and other stuff that just doesn't belong in my life.

3 cheers for Tracy!

Ok...well maybe just one is deserved...but I finally stopped bitchin and worrying long enough to finally get my big butt outside and go for a walk! It was slow and only went about a mile...but it felt good!! Even though I tell myself this, I couldn't get my ass out there! Today I finally did! Hello?? anyone home?? Bah!

I finally got the internet at home. It will stretch my budget, but I think it'll be good for me. I really miss perusing the blogs and sparkpeople in the morning before school starts and I never realized how good it was for me. I was watching a rerun on Oprah the other morning about food and kids and weight loss and stuff and somehow I realized the enormity of the task I have ahead of myself. Not about losing weight, I know how to do that, but of reversing all those negative images that are implanted in my brain. Holy cow! It's not just about reversing years of bad habits and emotional issues...but man, think about how long I and others have been bombarded with this stuff?!? No wonder we keep spiraling down instead of climbing to the top and staying t here with everyone else. well, I don't know if it was the final key...but it definitely opened a window and part of my morning routine is definitely going to be visiting blogs. I don't comment much, but I read and it helps so much. Maybe some daily self talk will be good as well.

well, time to go find some breakfast. I am getting the walking in, the water is good...now I need to work on portions and better food choices....one step at a time :)

HYC check in

Well, my goal this past week has been dealing with my emotions and emotional eating. I have finally started to lift out of the doldrums and be more steady. I have spent this week concentrating on not eating emotionally, and I haven't done that!! Now, I haven't really eaten to lose weight, but that's ok, it wasn't my goal. I did not step on a scale this week. I may do it next week, I may not. I am going to spend this week again with my emotions and keeping them separated from eating. This morning was the only morning I really did that (overate due to emotions). I got in contact with a friend and am confident that it won't spill over into the other meals of the day. This next week will also have to focus on the holiday (always a "free for all" eating session). This afternoon I am also going to be in contact with some area fitness centers (Curves, YMCA) do some comparison shopping and see what I come up with. I really want to get back to walking again. I think then I will start looking at the scale again and start eating to lose weight instead of just not overeating. One step at a time.


I've been doing some unpacking and have found some old notebooks of mine and found countless times I wrote about "how bad I ate today" or "today wasn't a good day" Oh my goodness. Have I really spent so much time worrying and fretting over my weight? There are so many other things in this world to be concerned about and all I can do is think about my eating. (ok, not all I do, but you know what I mean). I mean, really, how on earth did I really end up being this big? My mom was skinny when she was little and never really lost (and put on few more) her baby weight after the 3 of us were born...so she was always a little on the big side, but not like me. My brother and sister are a nice, average, healthy weight. How did I end up with an extra 125+ lbs on my 5'4" frame? I feel like such an outcast that most times I just want to be invisible (ok, that's also the shyness talking)...but maybe they go hand in hand? I don't know. I am approaching the big 3-0. I really don't want to spend my thirties as grumpy and dumpy as my twenties. Its time for more change and be done with the old me. Why do I convince myself that I will fail? Get past that, and you will finally see a lean, mean, fighting machine...nothing will be able to stop me then.