HYC check in

Things have been going pretty good over here! I spent about a week and a half off track, but I got back on last week during a package of PB cracker sandwiches (which are sitting as a reminder on my desk). Since the beginning of September, I am still down 7 lbs. I will be weighing in on Friday morning. I found I really like weighing in on Friday. I am starting to settle into a routine of staying pretty strict during the week and then loosening up during the weekend (not hot fudge sundae loose), just not worrying so much and beating myself up if I don't stay as completely strict as I do during the week. It seems to be working to keep me on track and we'll see how the numbers show on the scale on Friday. My monthly (or not so monthly) visit showed up today so we'll see how things look on Friday morning, but I won't be discouraged! I am continuing to do my morning walks although they are still only 30 min mile. It feels good and my knee isn't too messed up.

I did see an infomercial last night for Tony Little's Gazelle and pondering the purchase of one. It seems pretty low impact, which is good for my knee, and would be good indoors for when the weather starts getting really cold for walking (don't really care to walk in cold weather).

I hope everyone has a great week! :)

New Dish

In order to reach my goal of being a healthier person, I need to learn to ocok better dishes than hot dogs and sandwiches. A couple of weeks ago, I started making a dish called Salsa Chicken (which is sooo good!) and still basically using pre-packaged side dishes (one step at a time). Last night I actually threw something together that was entirely me! i was so excited when it actually turned out to be really delicious! So here's my first recipe to share with all of you. the best part is that you can tailor it as you like.

Ingredients:

1 bag of frozen corn
1 plum tomato
1 red pepper
red onion
seasoning
cooking oil

Chop up the tomato, pepper and onion (I only used a slice and a half)

Put a little oil in the pan and let it heat a minute or so and then add all the ingredients. I put them all in at the same time, which left the veggies a little crunchy (my preference - don't care for cooked soggy veggies), and so flavorful! I used a little taco seasoning for spice since I was going for a more mexican feel, but you can definitely change is up depending on the meal.


Here is a picture of the finished product:

Floating again

No more falling! And it feels great!

Wednesday afternoon...as i was working through the 4th package of PB sandwich crackers, I had an image of what I was doing to myself...the fat packing on, the numbers going up...280 again...290...300. Woah. I've thought that number before..but it did it. I put the rest of the package down (it's still sitting on my desk) and I haven't gone back. That night I finally got to the store, got my supplies and food, and yesterday planned it out and followed it beautifully despite a stressful meeting that was facing me that night. today I have started again even though more PB crackers face me...I haven't touched them. I have also kept up all the walking this week. Only one mile per morning, but it feels good and it's something. The scale this morning said 4 lbs lighter! I'm very happy about all of this! But mostly I am happy about feeling in better control.

My students never fail to amaze me in their powers of deduction. The following conversation occurred the other morning with one of my 4 year olds while we were sitting in church waiting for chapel to start:

K: Can I look at the book (hymnal)?

Me: No, not yet, we need to wait for chapel to start.

K: you mean when God comes?

Me: Well, God is already here, He's everywhere.

K: Then who's the guy who goes up front?


I just laughed and explained that he was the pastor of the church, not God. :)

Free falling - HYC check in

yeah I'm free! Free Fallin'!

But I'm definitely not happy about it.

Routine. Being prepared. 2 things I crave to be successful. 2 things I do not have this week. I feel like I am flailing around, trying to grasp onto something and failing. Even if I do manage to grab hold, I lose my grip. this sense of free fall is extremely scary but only sends me faster and faster toward the bottom. I HATE THIS FEELING! For the better part of 2 weeks, things were going great. The power I was starting to feel was intoxicating. I made decisions I wanted and desired. The scale and my body were starting to respond. I loved it. A few bad choices and down I go. How can I get a strong hold on the choices I want to make? Why does a little success scare me so much? Why must I seek failure? I have the power to do this and yet I would rather give in and feel miserable. It doesn't make any sense! I am so tired of feeling like this and whining and complaining and feeling powerless, when in truth, I have all the power in the world to make my body into something healthier.

Ok, enough of that sh*t. I have started walking again. My knee is feeling much better from last week (although I still need to see the doc) and the last 2 mornings before school I've done my mile walk. I'm still not walking right and it feels weird, but I am happy to be walking.

Goals for this week: Get myself to the store, prepare my menu to the choices I want to make and they will be easier to make. Keep up the walking on these gorgeous fall mornings :)

Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em

Yeah...I'm talking about men.

I don't have much of an active dating life, life just seems too busy right now to deal with that and trying to change my lifestyle at the same time...plus work and church and everything..it's just a lot to do. I guess I'm living without 'em for now, but I would like to find one I could eventually end up living with. the ones I have in my life right now just aren't working.

First there's C...we became friends and see each other once in a while...he's not really all that strong in faith, so I know that the future doesn't hold anything for us as far as serious, but we have a good time together and that's important too. I'm just wondering if there's something more.

Then there's R...very cute, laid back, hard worker, laid back, fun to be with...oh and did I mention laid back? He thinks nothing of being a little late when we say we are going to meet around 2:30 and i call at 2:40 curious to know where he is and he's just getting out of the shower, oblivious to the time. Or going for weeks without talking or going out and then calls up and says "lets hang out". I don't really think that's for me either. I'm not really laid back, so I wouldn't mind having a partner who is...but I think this is a little much.

Now we get to J...good looking, funny, smart, a little ADD but a hard worker, caring, same strong faith as myself, laid back, but not too much. I have a terrible crush on this one..lol but I don't think he really sees me as anything more than an acquaintance/friend. Oh, and his ex looks like a barbie doll and is a lot more outgoing than I am...I guess my extra weight and shyness really aren't interesting to him. We're friendly, but that's about it. Maybe we would be good together or not, but I still have a big crush on him. He has the goofiest grin that makes my tummy quiver each time I see him smile.

Now enter K...someone I met through a site..talk on the phone once in a while or text...tried a couple times to meet up for a movie or something, but couldn't happen. Out of the blue he asks me out for friday, I say ok cuz he's still a nice guy and I like talking to him, and he says there's something he wants to talk about with me. I ask what, and he says he's been thinking about it and would I want to be his girl? Now, if we talked more often than once or twice a month I wouldn't be so surprised or taken aback. I told him we'll meet on Friday and I'll discuss with him my feelings on the subject then, not through texting.

I guess I don't really have a point to this. Maybe I'm meant to find and be happy with myself before I find a member of the opposite sex to share my life with and be happy and make him happy.

Keep on keepin' on

Renewed efforts. Consistency. Keep on, keepin’ on. It’s hard. But it’s not as hard as the consequences of constant indulgence (thanks Chuck!). I am living proof of these consequences. It’s written all over my body from head to toe. Morbid obesity. Knee problems. The outside is shielding the inside and preventing her from coming out and being herself. Hiding from the world. I don’t want to hide anymore and I want to stop looking for the greener pasture. It’s only going to get greener if I put the effort into making it green. Yesterday – didn’t make all the choices I wanted. But the world did not and will not end. Neither has my focus…it just got blurred with the bad day I had. Today, things are clear again. I have not stepped on the scale since last Friday when it showed a 7 lb loss. I know that this week has not been as disciplined as the week before and I don’t want the number to deter me from my ultimate goal of living and being healthy. All these little excuses to convince yourself it’s ok to eat can really add up! Much more than I ever thought possible. I knew I was an emotional and comfort eater, but I never realized how often those kinds of thoughts would cross my mind when the climate is less than perfect (and I’m not talking about the weather!), and how often I wouldn't even think about it and just give in to it. I am also finding that I am plagued by wanting to give in. Perhaps as I keep moving forward, it will get easier and easier not to give in. On some days it’s very easy not to give in, others are hard.

I’m kinda all over the place this morning but this is one of those rare times that I feel that I’m not just planning my journey, I’m actually on it and living it. Learning from what mistakes I am making and not letting them destroy my efforts and victories. It’s hard. But it’s worth to keep on keepin’ on.

Unstable weekend

Enough with the rain! I know it doesn't compare to Texas or other hurricane ravaged areas, but we set a record on Saturday for the most rain in one day for the City of Chicago..more than 6 inches. Several rivers have flooded including the north branch of the Chicago River right in the city. Personally, I got some seepage in my basement (rivers of it) but that's about it. Although the owners marked down that they did not get water in the basement, so we're gonna check into that. Mucho kudos to the police, fire department, volunteers and the media even for doing so much over the weekend to help people out and get information to the public and keeping them as up to date as possible.

With the rain came also a rocky weekend for me with food. First was Saturday night. I was at my mom's for a little pizza dinner because of my brother's birthday. this is usually a problem anyway because when it comes to being at my moms...all bets are off and I just like to find stuff to fill my stomach with. I knew it was coming and had a plan (brought carrots with me and only going to have a set amount of pizza) and then a few little things got in my way (eating too late, really hungry and hell, it was Aurelio's pizza man!!)and I let it go. And topped it off with ice cream. Sunday started off well enough...a friend took me out to lunch after church and I ordered a skillet, ate half for the other half to take home. After my 2.5 hour drive home in the traffic and rain and flooded roads, I was not in the best of moods when I got home, a few unkind words from my friend and all in all ended up eating more in addition to the leftovers from breakfast.

Didn't feel too bad about it, but I've learned some lessons this weekend. One: bring more than carrots to snack on in case dinner is 2 hours later than what you counted on. Two: Don't drive on days where the streets are flooded and you have to find creative, non flooded ways to get home. Three: Find someone else to go to when emotions get the better of me and I want to bring food into the occasion. Because he sucked at it. I know it was my choice to binge, not his..but gotta find someone else next time.

This morning things seem to be back on track. Going to have a long week, spending most of my time at school for one thing or another. Brought my lunch and dinner with me, as well as some apples to snack on. Also getting lots of water down. The weekend is usually a bad time for me to get all my water drunk. The whole exercise thing seems to be MIA as I forgot to bring my workout clothes with me today and I can't seem to get in that groove. Just like the food though..I just gotta do it and forget thinking about it all the time.

Mixed up

Last friday saw my highest ever on the scale. 281. Marked it down. This friday saw 274.5. Wow. That's awesome. I expected something, but not this. Wow.

One week now I've been eating better. And the odd thing is...it's not hard! It's been so easy, like everything I've ever learned has finally clicked into the right place and it's working. I bought a bunch of veggies at the store and I'm eating them! I eat much smaller portions and even when I feel a little hungry, I don't give in to it! I eat when I know it's right and ignore the rest. I'm not saying it's smooth sailing, because I still think about what I"m making, and catch myself wanting to eat because it's in there or I'm bored or whatever, but it's a lot easier to talk myself out of it. It's like the logical part of my brain and eating what's best for me has finally taken over the emotional side that makes me eat whenever and whatever the heck I feel like and to heck with the consequences.

Time to get moving again! Back to the walking and strength tape. My knee has been giving me heck lately though. Maybe because of the weather, I don't know. I tried my mile walk the other morning before school. My normal 25 min mile took me over 40 min, but I'm glad I still walked...it was a beautiful morning and it felt good. Despite the rain today, I will be walking again.

Goal: Walk every morning for 1 mile. Strength tape every other day and my core rhythms every day. At the end of the week...I'm going to the movies!

Shaken and stirred

Last week I faced a crossroads and had to make a choice on where my life was going to be heading (food wise). On Saturday my friend helped to convince me not to go for the burger and fries at Flugtag and ever since, I made my choice to move off my previous path and on to better portion control and better choices and I've been feeling great ever since. Great..heck, I've been wonderful! I feel hungry and yet I know I can get past it and eat what is best for me and not having food control me anymore has been a natural high that I never want to get down from.

Today, I made a small slip. I knew what I was doing with those baked lays, it wasn't a huge one, but not part of my plan and so I indulged in several servings of them, threw the bag away and thought there...what's done is done. It tasted good and I felt better and was ready to move on. My unconscious had another idea. My cabinet here at school is stacked with snacks for my students for this month...including one of my faves....cracker sandwiches with pb and some with cheese. One very, very brief thought entered my head about grabbing some of those crackers and running for the border. Lasted all of about 5 seconds, but shook me up for better part of an hour. I was so shocked by this thought that it threw me off balance and out of sorts for the rest of the morning. By the time I went down to lunch (sans the chips I had set aside for lunch time), I was feeling more like my normal self. (Note: I did not grab the crackers, but my apple instead and munched on that). For lunch, I had my salad, half sandwich, pears and milk. The interaction with the other teachers distracted me long enough and by the end of lunch I was much better.

Even now, as I write it, it sounds ridiculous to me that one little thought should have such a violent reaction, but I remember it very vividly how strong it was. Since Saturday, not one thought like it has entered my head and I've been very happy without them. Maybe I needed the reminder not to let my head get too far in the clouds, remember what got me here in the first place, and how to stay away from it in the future. I ate those chips for the wrong reason and I should know better than to treat food like that.

Breast cancer walk

In 2006 I did the 3 day walk for breast cancer here in Chicago and loved it. It was one of the toughest things I have ever done, but it was worth it. 2007 and 2008 held some other challenges for me so I didn't quite make it to those, but 2009, watch out! There's money to raise, walking to do and hopefully building or finding my own team to do it with. If anyone is out there who has done it before that might have some good tips for fundraising or anything, or would like to walk...drop me a comment.

For more info, check out The 3 Day website.

Hope

Anyone play poker? You know when you have a really good hand and you know you can beat the odds. You are so confident in your hand that you are even willing to go "all in"? You are willing to bet everything that you can win it all. Now, the chances are there that you might not make it, but you are willing to chance it. I'm there. I am ready to go all in. I am ready to put it all out on the table and give it all I've got so that I can win the pot in the middle of the table. The only thing I've got to lose is weight.

I wish I could say I had finally come to this realization on my own, but I didn't. Through a long conversation on Thursday and an even longer one on Saturday, my friend helped me realize something I had never held for myself: hope. He's a bit of an extremist, and doesn't fully understand losing weight, but throughout our talk, he convinced me that I have everything possible within me to make this happen. Recently, I had come to the happy conclusion that I was not making decisions that made me happy and making myself feel guilty for things that I enjoyed doing, and so, decided to stop doing such things and beating myself up. Having crossed that emotional hurdle, this conversation, while at times quite frank, was so good for me. Not only did we talk long enough that I didn't go over to the concession stand for a hot dog or burger, but convinced me that indeed, I would survive if I didn't get anything. We ended up leaving soon after and getting something healthier to eat somewhere else. Honestly, I'm not sure exactly how he did it, but he gave me so much hope, that even though it's going to suck at first learning new portions, that I could do it. As much as I hoped this for myself, I don't think I ever fully believed that it was possible for me to literally be half the person that I am now. What an empowering thought!

**Edit**

I don't mean to leave out all those wonderful people who have supported me over the years while I wrestle with my weight. My family and my friends and online friends have been great and very supportive! Without them, I wouldn't have kept going for so long, I probably would have given up! Maybe it was just the right time for me, and he just said the right words at this time that they had such an impact on me.

Just another Manic Monday

ok, well, it's really Tuesday, but the effect is still the same...the start of another week!

I gotta tell ya, I had a great weekend! It was mostly spent at home, but I did go out to a friend's house on Saturday to watch the Cubs game, had dinner there and then went to see Martina McBride!! I have always wanted to see her in concert and she was as great as I had hoped! Her voice is just incredible! I don't know how she doesn't lose her voice all the time, she sings with such power and passion! The rest of the weekend, however was spent doing things around the house. I love going out and seeing my friends, but I've found I equally love staying in and working around my house (still can't get used to that yet!)

I've gotten back to some of my walking again, which is good! Allison had a great idea of walking before work, so of course this morning when I went to hit snooze, I turned it off instead, woke up too late and left no time for walking. But tomorrow, it's on!

I have a great meal plan for today, and a very long day here at school, but I am prepared with food from home and will not stray to the various fast food joints around here. As long as I make a plan, it's easier for me to stay focused and on track.