November 20, 2008

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Wednesday, October 7, 2009

How did this happen?

How did I let my emotions become so completely intertwined with food???

More importantly, how do I stop it?

It probably happened slowly, over time, without me even noticing it. I mean, it's food! It's alive, but it doesn't have a soul. It shouldn't have this kind of power over me. It literally can determine whether I have a bad day or a good day. Feel good or feel guilty. I'm either a bad person because of what I eat or a good person because of what I didn't eat. I mean, it's food! It has one purpose in life - to nourish our bodies. And yet for me, it has become so much more than that. How did this happen? Why did this happen? But what really stumps me is how to stop it. I am at a complete loss as to figure that out. There have been so many times I think I'm on the right track, but there's something that holds me back, prevents me from moving forward. I make a few wrong choices and my emotions head south and I just want to eat more to cover up those emotions. It has to stop, I just don't know how.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

No title

What a morning. I hate McDonalds. I hate that I go there and eat their food. I hate that I feel the way I do. I hate that I feel bigger and bigger every day. I hate it. I hate my actions. I hate my inactions. I hate that I just took out my fall/winter clothes and they are too small. I hate that these pants are too tight for me and I feel so uncomfortable. I hate that I am alone. I hate that I feel bloated from the breakfast I ate this morning. I hate that other people have found someone special and that I don't have anyone right now. I hate that I'm stuck. I hate this. I hate the wall. I hate that I feel powerless to do anything about it. I hate it. I hate that the scale stays in the 290's which is higher than I've ever been before in my life. I hate that I have so many wonderful people to support me and yet I feel as though I let them down time and time again because as bad as I want it, I have been unable to do it. I hate feeling guilty. I hate feeling depressed about all of this. I hate my weaknesses. I hate my lack of control. I hate feeling different. I hate feeling like an outsider. I hate not being able to do things anymore because I'm too flippin obese. I hate my lack of discipline. I hate not knowing how to overcome this. I hate knowing what to do and yet not doing it. I hate it.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Looking up again

I keep meaning to write more often, but it seems as though life just keeps getting busier and busier. Last weekend I spent an amazing weekend in Arizona visiting my family and having a great time enjoying the weather. I love going out there to visit...surrounded by people I love and people who love me...and a nice warm sun in March :)

Things are doing better on the emotional side as well. It's the same old familiar cycle of doing good, then for some reason sinking down and eventually coming back up again. It's kinda scary on those times I sink down and I just get so tired of struggling all the time just to maintain and not gain, not to mention trying to actually lose the weight. I've been focusing on the problems I have at school and things I need to do and instead of continuing to moan about them, I'm concentrating on doing it better. It's such a load though, I could really use someone to help me out on a regular basis and take some of the responsibility of being treasurer. It's a volunteer position and is at least a part time job...unfortunately it's one that doesn't pay. I have some other responsibilities in addition to just wanting to spend some time with my family once in a while and relax so I don't burn myself out. Ahh...the joys of being an adult I guess.

My focus this month is to get away from the fast food as much as possible and once in a while have a planned indulgence instead of constant junk food. My exercise is up as I really, really want to be in training for the 3 day walk for breast cancer. We are planning some events coming up to have some fun and raise money for the walk. My hope is that if everyone I come into contact with, who sees my message will donate at least $5, my goal should be reached in no time at all! But it can't be done without the help of many, many people! I know that we can make a difference!

Friday, March 6, 2009

The bottom of the barrel

Seems my mood goes in these cycles...I'm going good on the way I want to be going and then I get off track, spiral down until I hit bottom and then start to climb back out again. I know that struggles are supposed to make you stronger, but this is really starting to wear on me. I totally hit bottom the other day (but it did include a 2 mile walk), then found out my friend's baby died during childbirth and that was it. Ate a dinner from Wendy's that was enough for at least 3 people and went to bed the worst I've felt in a long time. The next day, I couldn't hide how I was feeling for a million bucks. I know my students were totally puzzled about my attitude, but I really couldnt' fake it anymore. By midday, I had recieved a gift on my desk from one of my parents (it was Teacher Appreciation Day) and she gave me a new scarf and it was that one simple gift (she knew I just started buying scarves) that put a smile on my face again and I could feel the duldroms lifting again. I still have so much to do and it seems like I have no time to do it, but things seem a little better now and my students are happy that their teacher seems like herself again. And so am I. I'm not back to normal, but I'm getting there again. I stepped on the scale and I had gained 10 lbs. Now, I know some of that was water, but some wasn't, I've been eating horribly. But this morning I was back out of the 280's to 279 again, and that helped. Most of the hopelessness I felt is gone again, but I know some of it still lingers. I've really been thinking lately about getting some professional help, but I'm not sure where to go or who to go to. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I need to make some changes.

Monday, March 2, 2009

What a weekend!

It was crazy, it was full and I am thankful that it did not seem to go too fast! Friday night I had some friends and family come over (including my adorable 9 month old nephew!) and help me move some things around in order to get ready for my new roomate to move in. Included in the crowd was my cousin Mel who was starting her spring break and her boyfriend from Germany, who turned out to be a really great guy! Fun, witty, great sense of humor and not too bad on the eyes! We ended up leaving my house and going to my sister's and didn't get to bed until around 2. They left early the next morning for the drive to her parents house in Maryland.
Saturday was more cleaning and more moving in getting ready for the was Sunday. Sunday evening she brought over her first load of stuff and my friend R stopped by for a while. After she brought over her second load of stuff (including 3 cats!), we all went out to find something to eat and stayed out 'til about 12:30. We found a local bar that has pretty good food and a DJ that was playing some awesome music (who tried to get my new roommate to go home with him! LOL)
So here I am...Monday morning and back at school..but this time I get to be in my pajamas! It's Lutheran school's week and sort of a spirit week for us including PJ day, sports day, crazy hair day and red white and blue day. One of the days is also teacher appreciation day and we get a special lunch from Olive Garden or someplace nice like that. We do a student appreciation day too where we get a half day of school and let the kids go rollerskating at the local rollerskating rink.

This also starts week 2 of the training for the 3 day walk for breast cancer. I didn't do too well on the walking last week, but a little is better than none and my goal for this week is to do more than last week and keep building it up. Hopefully we'll have some nice days so I can go outside and walk.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Week one is not over yet...still training

OK, because of the rain last night, I did not go out and walk. With everything else going on this week, it's hard to find the time as well, but I did get one mile on my gazelle. I know it's not the same as actual walking, but it felt good anyway. Today is supposed to be cross training, so I'm going to move furniture around in preparation of my friend moving in with me. Some friends and family are coming over to help me with the heavy stuff and I'm getting them pizza for their efforts and time. This weekend the training consists of walking 3 miles both Saturday and Sunday. It's going to be a bit chilly, but no precipitation forcasted, so I will bundle up and hit the walking trail both days to get my time in.

I'm still trying to get in touch with the guy who railroaded me Monday night. Every night I try and call him and I freak out! I get so upset, I want no contact with him at all, but there's no getting around it, I have to do it. I will take care of it this weekend, one way or the other and stop being so silly about it.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Training week one continues

What a week this has been...what a rare mood I'm in...and I'm not in love either :P It's been a crazy week of school, work, training, and my friend moving in. And it hasn't had a good effect on my eating either. Just last night, I freaked out because I have to get some information to someone about treasurer stuff. A person who completely humiliated me at our meeting Monday night. Instead of just dealing with talking to him, I went through the drive through at Wendy's, got enough food for about 2-3 people and stuffed my face when I got home. Fell asleep on the couch at 8:30. I have to talk to him, but I'm so upset by what happened, I'm finding it very difficult. Now that I have a better understanding of how I am feeling (last night I was tired and not thinking much at all), I will be ready to talk to him tonight and fend off any distractions and just get the whole unpleasant experience over and done with.

The working out part has been good though. I borrowed my sister's Wii Fit to see if I wanted to invest in one myself and have been getting about 10 min a day on it and because it was so nice last night, I did a 1.2 mile walk around the neighborhood, in addition to a little time on my Gazelle. Tonight will be rain so I will be on my Gazelle - hopefully for a longer time this time, and getting the house ready for my friend to move in this weekend.

Well, I hear my students coming, so I better get going. Peace out.