Finally Friday

My prediction came true this week. I knew that once I was back in school and dealing with the long drive and my angels, that things would change and they have. During school, I've been staying on plan. It's when I get home, things fall apart a little bit, with eating and keeping up with my chores. I've been trying all week to get my laundry done and my kitchen cleaned and every evening, I end up watching TV and feeling too tired to want to do anything. I eat a big snack and then a big dinner, feel horrible because I'm not getting the things done that I want to and eating too much stuff and just being tired. Then I'm just tired and feeling sorry for myself and upset and so nothing gets done and I go to bed. Bah. I don't want to spend the school year acting like this! I can't spend my evenings being like this. It's getting away from who I am and who I'm trying to be. (and it's making the number on the scale reach ever higher and higher!)

I guess my first problem is how to get over not being so tired when I get home after a long drive (usually about an hour). I feel too tired to do my walk, to do some light housework, to make a real meal (at least I am convincing myself of this). So far all I've come up with is to maybe do my walk here at school before I get in the car to drive home. Or just trying to force myself to do some things anyway, it'll make me feel better.

I realize this is mostly rambling and brainstorming to figure out how to get over myself and do a few things that need to be done. but if anyone has a suggestion or two...thanks!

Another day

Hey,...I cooked last night. Real cooking. Not heating up something in the microwave. I'm so proud. :)

On top of that, it was really good! I made some chicken salsa, mexican rice from a package and my friend cooked up some seasoned corn. Made for a delicious meal :)

I'm still trying to make sense of my emotional eating the other night, but I'm not really sure how to do it. I guess what happened was a deep seeded fear about trusting and being in a relationship (although it's not progressed that far), and I immediately sank into old habits and feelings. I am a better person than that these days. Personally, I haven't felt this good in I don't know how long. I'm even doing better professionally and ready to have my best year yet (I'm finally living up to my potential :) ) I guess I still have some issues to deal with and I'm not sure how to overcome my fears. Maybe only time will be able to take care of it.

I'm being more careful about food these past couple of days and even got my walk in last night. Tonight I hope to get my walk in as well as my strength tape...it's the only way to shrink these arms!

And so it goes....

I can't even begin to put into words how I am feeling right now. Frustration. Anxiety. Fear. Anger. Self pity. It's coiled so tight in me that I almost feel as though I need to do physical harm to something or myself to try and relieve these overwhelming emotions. What is most baffling is that there is no sound, logic reason for me to be feeling these things so deeply, except I think they are being egged on by the fear. As soon as I wrote that previous sentence, I could feel the physical tension start to release. I mean, I had a reason for being a little disappointed earlier tonight, but what should have felt like a 3 on a scale of 1-10, felt more like an 8 or 9 which is totally out of whack. And I think I finally realize why...fear. And being alone this evening, not having anyone to talk it out with except myself, it just kept growing and growing until now and realizing what was going wrong. It had to do with a member of the opposite sex. And despite my new found "key to a happier life", I still harbor some really deep fears when it comes to dating and my "appeal" to the opposite sex. It scared me that I could easily slip back into the old habits tonight...which I did. I totally drained my body eating a crazy number of carbs/starches (potatoes and bread) and sugar from 1 1/2 cans of soda. I am starting to feel normal again, but have wasted like the entire night feeling sorry for myself and upset and everything. Even if no one is listening, I am glad I have this place to talk it out or I might have gone to bed not even realizing what was really going on in my head and maybe feeling worse, and taking it out again tomorrow and doing worse damage. To top it off, I'm stressed about the beginning of the year and how I'm going to deal with such a small class.

Tomorrow is a new day. Plan the meals, and get back to walking tomorrow...I've taken too much time off and I need to get back to it. It always makes me feel better.

Exhausted, but accomplished

Today was the first day of my 2 mile walk. I decided to do it all together because I may not be back home later before the sun goes down. I tried to pace myself (it was the first 2 miles in a row I've done in about 2 years), and half way through the second mile, I was ready to sit down! But I trudged on, keeping my mind busy with other thoughts and finally, I was back at my house. Woohoo! I was so happy to finish it! Plus, when I checked the time I did it in 50 minutes! Still on a pace of about 25 min per mile! I am definitely happy with that! I'm off to hit the showers and then bury myself in my classroom this afternoon!

HYC

Today I was out all day and eating was good :) Even got some fruit in. But, because of everything, no work out. So, my new workout week (see goals in post below), will start tomorrow. I stepped on the scale this morning, but I'm going to get a second opinion tomorrow morning when I wake up...lol I'm excited with some of my new choices and outlook, need to work harder at the food thing, and I hope that the scale will soon reflect what I'm doing.

Oxymoron

Well, I did it! I finished this week and met my exercise goal every day! I walked every day and did my strength tape every other day. Yesterday and today I even did my Core Rhythms DVD as an added bonus. My eating is still not where I want it to be, but I'm working on my portion control.

Next weeks goal: Walking 1 mile every day. Strength tape every other day. Walking extra mile on non-tape days.

I was thinking on my walk today on how I have finally arrived at this point in my life in which I am able to make some of these changes. The main thing was...I had to finally realize how much I love and accepted myself as I was. Then, I could change. I struggled for years...knowing how to lose weight, but unable to come around to doing the things I needed to do to reach that goal. I couldn't even force myself to accept myself (I tried that too!) and I couldn't figure out the final piece to the emotional puzzle of being so big. After much praying and thinking about it, I have come to a place where I totally and completely accepted myself. I was so tired of feeling bad for the choices I make that I just said screw it! I am gonna do what I want to do and be happy with myself no matter what I choose. That acceptance finally allowed me to start making choices that were better for my health (ok, maybe not *all* the time), but even when I eat the pretzels with salsa con queso, it's ok. I eat the amount I want and then put it away. The emotional binging seems to have diminished greatly (it's not totally gone and maybe never will be) and it's such a relief off my shoulders. It's the piece of the puzzle that eluded me for so long.

So far though..it's been pretty easy. I've been on summer break. No students to deal with, no getting up and driving an hour every day to and from work, no coming home feeling too tired to cook. Next week, school starts and so does a new routine. I am going to have to find a good time to get my walks in and other work out, but because it's starting to become important, I must make time for it. I'm going to have to make sure I prepare my meals and prepare for my meals so I'm not "oh I'll just run by BK on my way home because I forgot to bring my dinner". OK, so I may do that once or twice, but I don't want it to be the norm.

That's the key. Plan the work. Work the plan. As long as I plan, I will keep moving forward.

New haircut

Here is my new 'do! I donated 10 inches to Locks of Love last week. It's starting to grow on me :)

HYC

ok...2 days in a row now...and I am on track with my walking and working out. Had a little glitch when hooking up my vcr to do my strength tape, but worked it all out and I feel great!!

It's been a busy week so far. Yesterday, my friend came over and hooked up my dryer. My mom and another friend came over and we dug up some unwanted plants and trees and had leftovers from my party on Friday. Today I had to go and get my Indiana driver's liscence that I waited until the last minute to get. Needed some things that were still packed up and boy was I panicking! I am so poorly organized, it took me a couple hours to find them, but I did and now I'm legal again. :)

I did step on the scale and I didn't like it, but thats the way the cookie crumbles. I know that if I keep on track with the walking and strength, I will be going good. The food still isn't where I would like it to be, but I'm not fretting about it.

I also got about 10 inches of my hair cut off today! A little girl I know was recently diagnosed with leukemia, and I wanted to donate my hair to Locks of Love. it's a bit shorter than I wanted it to be, but it looks cute! When I get pictures on my computer, I will post some.

Well, I guess I'm off for now. Have a great week!

where does the time go?

It's been a crazy busy couple of weeks! Last weekend I was in Nebraska for a family reunion and it was great! I got to see cousins that I haven't seen for several years, it was really nice! And I was very happy with how I handled the fast food decisions that needed to be made!!

This past weekend was my birthday weekend! I had a blast! It has to be one the best birthdays I have ever had!! Thursday it started by going up in a plane and actually flying it for about 30 minutes!!! It was incredible!! I thought I would have problems because of my size, and it was snug, but everything worked out and a once in a life time experience!! Friday, it was party time at my house!! Had about 30 ppl over and we had a great time! Saturday night, 3 friends and I went out to a bar to see some dueling pianos! I've never been before and it was a blast! Yesterday was very quiet, rested and relaxed and had dinner with my mom and sister (and nephew!).

Today, I am rested and rejuvenated and feeling great being 30! I finally got back to my walking, and have been cleaning and working around the house so far today. This week is going to be busy again. Today I want to work around my house. Tomorrow I am getting my hair chopped off and donating it to Locks of Love. I also have to get my Indiana Drivers liscence in which I have to take the written test! Wednesday I am babysitting for my nephew, Thursday is meeting at school and doing payroll and working there, Friday I am babysitting again for my nephew. Saturday I will probably be able to do some more work around the house. I got paint on Saturday to paint my kitchen and bathroom.

My goal this week is back to walking and doing strength every other day. I never accomplished that goal a couple weeks ago, so there it is. Time to start thinking about school and keeping things up with my house. Busy times ahead, but I want to keep my eyes toward the prize - health and happiness.