And so it goes....

I can't even begin to put into words how I am feeling right now. Frustration. Anxiety. Fear. Anger. Self pity. It's coiled so tight in me that I almost feel as though I need to do physical harm to something or myself to try and relieve these overwhelming emotions. What is most baffling is that there is no sound, logic reason for me to be feeling these things so deeply, except I think they are being egged on by the fear. As soon as I wrote that previous sentence, I could feel the physical tension start to release. I mean, I had a reason for being a little disappointed earlier tonight, but what should have felt like a 3 on a scale of 1-10, felt more like an 8 or 9 which is totally out of whack. And I think I finally realize why...fear. And being alone this evening, not having anyone to talk it out with except myself, it just kept growing and growing until now and realizing what was going wrong. It had to do with a member of the opposite sex. And despite my new found "key to a happier life", I still harbor some really deep fears when it comes to dating and my "appeal" to the opposite sex. It scared me that I could easily slip back into the old habits tonight...which I did. I totally drained my body eating a crazy number of carbs/starches (potatoes and bread) and sugar from 1 1/2 cans of soda. I am starting to feel normal again, but have wasted like the entire night feeling sorry for myself and upset and everything. Even if no one is listening, I am glad I have this place to talk it out or I might have gone to bed not even realizing what was really going on in my head and maybe feeling worse, and taking it out again tomorrow and doing worse damage. To top it off, I'm stressed about the beginning of the year and how I'm going to deal with such a small class.

Tomorrow is a new day. Plan the meals, and get back to walking tomorrow...I've taken too much time off and I need to get back to it. It always makes me feel better.