Mean People Suck

Here's a surprise for all you people not reading my blog. I am not a perfect person. I can tell you are shocked.

I make mistakes like everyone else. As you know, I am a teacher...I teach at a small Lutheran school in Chicago. Like many Lutheran teachers, I wear many hats and do what I can to make my school the best it can be. But I am not without my own mistakes. And when confronted with a mistake, I am the first to admit to it and own up to it and apologize to parties involved and do what I can to make it better or change for the next time.

I recently came under attack by one of the parents at the school. According to her, I have it in for her daughter. And she was not nice about it at all. Unfortunately for me, I am a wuss. I do not deal well with people like this. Ultimately, I ended up in tears against this woman's false accusations against me. And not just little tears, but great, sobbing waterworks. And, to set the record straight, I do not have it in for her daughter. Now, this person really doesn't know me very well at all and is only going on what she has observed me. And with that, I try to stay calm, but I really don't know how to deal with it. Luckily, I guess, graduation is around the corner and her and her daughter will be gone from our school and I won't have to face her again. Although, I wonder how the gossip will get around our little school about the kindergarten teacher brought to tears from a parent?

How do you do it? How do you face people like that? Can you? or do you just move on and let it go?

Long week

Man it took a long time to get to Friday.

It's been a good week, but a long one. On Tuesday evening, my nephew was born! (will post a picture later). He, of course, is the most adorable thing I have ever seen. He is 21 inches long, 7 lbs 8 oz.

The long part came from school. We have one more week after this one and we are finished for the year. My students have been driving me crazy the last couple of days!! They've been crazy, I've been irritable, and it made for a long week. I'm so glad the weekend is here.

I did have to chuckle at one of my Kindergartners the other day though. He's definitely on the creative side of things, a better drawer than I am even though he is only 6! he's also not bad with music and likes to hum and sing when the mood strikes him. The other day it was the Indiana Jones theme (plus he has the others singing it now!)

J: *humming Indiana Jones theme while drawing with other students* I just love Davy Jones!

R: *pipes in* it's Indiana Jones! not Davy Jones!

J: Oh yeah! I love Indiana Jones!



I weighed in this morning at the same weight as last week. OK...better than a gain and a sign that I need to turn it up a notch and watch out for danger zones. I have all late nights here at school next week. With planning my meals, it shouldn't be a problem, although I don't get to get over to the fitness center like I wanted to. So I guess I will have to wait until school is out and start walking regularly. I know it will definitely help my efforts to get on a treadmill. Looking over my journal from the last week, I definitely had moments that I wasn't paying attention to what I was eating and didn't make the choices I wanted to make. I did get all of the water in I wanted to. I've been drinking like a horse! Most days I got in at least 72 oz.

Goals: Keep reading inspiration from the people on the challenge to keep my motivation
Drink my water!
Be more aware of what I eat and continue to journal it all.
Find time to blog even though I am irritated and unhappy, it will keep me going.

I have been thinking lately that there is another piece of the puzzle that is missing. Something else that is holding me back from doing all I need to do to lose this weight. I am, by nature, a very shy and quiet person. I think I am having anxiety issues dealing with the attention associated with losing the amount of weight I need to lose. I think one day next week, will head over to Borders or something and see if they have anything that might help. Something to help with social skills/not being so shy/things like that. Something is holding me, I just don't know what it is. Maybe figure this out will help me let go and be healthier.

Feelin some love!

I think the best decision (or one of) I made was to join the HYC. It's exactly what I had hoped I would find. People who have similar goals and working their butts off to accomplish what they need to do and share in the love and encouragement (and butt kicking when needed) with everyone. Thank you to everyone who stopped by and as I have time, will stop by and read and leave comments as well. Busy, busy time here with getting my new house in order, school is ending next week, and my nephew was born this evening! But I love it! And keeping so busy with the house keeps me off my butt on the computer or the TV and I absolutely LOVE that!

I fell into trap number two tonight. The first one is eating out or eating where there's free food...I treat it as a free for all and don't need to watch it like I do when I'm at home being more consiensious (I know that's spelled wrong).

The second one...is my mom's house. I think it stems from growing up and wanting to eat. I have it in my head that when mom's out of the house...it's time to eat as much food as I can sneak while she's not here. Hello!! I'm nearly 30 years old!!! I don't need to sneak food anymore! It's not often I'm here and she's not, but I didn't prepare myself so that I could stop myself. I didn't even realize what I was doing until I was halfway through what I was stuffing into my face. At first I was just like...screw it...I messed up..just keep going. But then I realized what I was doing, how I was feeling (totally full and upset) and threw the rest in the garbage. But not before some damage was done. *sigh* Need to add it to my mental list so that next time I come over here and she's not here, I don't go through this. At least I will be aware of how I'm feeling and aware of what I'm going to eat (or not eat if it's not a meal time). It's not so much a problem when she's here, only when she's not.

HYC post

Ok...my first post for this challenge. Thank you to those who have already stopped by to give out some encouragement!

My weekend went pretty well. Most of the weekend was spent working on my new house. Yardwork on Saturday and painted the living room on Monday. Saturday night went out to a friend's house for a BBQ...sat myself in front of the veggies and munched on carrots :) And she had a nice spread of chips and dip and skipped it all. Had some chips with my burger and that was it. Drank water most of the time, although I did have one beer.

Time seems to be a little on the short side this morning...much to do and waiting to hear when my niece or nephew enters the world sometime today :D

My new toy

Ok...I finally bought a scale yesterday. I haven't stepped on one in a long time, and wanted to see the damages. Or, thought I did.

It's really cool. Tells my weight, body fat and water percentage. This thing is pretty smart. Also you can change it if you are active or normal setting. The numbers were pretty harsh. Harsh, but honest. I like honesty.

Weight - 271 lbs
Body Fat - 48%
Water - 36%

Is this right?? 48% of my body is fat?? That has to change. Now. I think if I hadn't started putting some things into place before stepping on the scale, I would be so far down in the dumps right now, it would take a town to dig me out. I felt bad last night, but I'm better this morning.

Tonight, I have a challenge. A dinner. Food that I didn't have to cook and as much of it as I want. One of my biggest challenges. Tonight, for the first time, I will not treat it as a free for all. Find what I want, have a little, and set it aside. No seconds. Time to get rid of those numbers for good.

And then I said "yes"

Well, I knew this would be setbacks and accomplishments. I had a setback yesterday, but it's not stopping me.

You should have seen me..it was a race to see which one was the fastest.....my hand shoveling the food in my mouth or my mouth chewing and swallowing. I don't think either stopped until the plate was nearly clean. Unfortunately, there was no winner in this race...only a loser. But not for long. I dusted myself off, and ready to move on. I don't know what it is about eating out or someplace other than home...it's like "I don't have to be careful, I can eat whatever I want, and however much of it I want". I even knew it was gonna happen and wanted to stop it....and I went for it anyway.

The next time I am going to face this will be on Sunday. I am going to a friend's house for a BBQ. I don't want the same old results. I want to change and do something different and stick to it. And several opportunities the first week of June are going to test me as well. I can face these challenges and stop obsessing!

Ha! I said no!

It's so easy to tell my students "no!" But when it comes to me and food...I hate saying no. But I did it yesterday. More than once! And to some of my favorite food! Pizza...oreo cookies, homemade cupcake with chocolate frosting (I easily say no to the store bought ones, but not the homemade ones..esp with choc. frosting!!), and Quigley's (Irish Pub). I couldn't believe it. Day 3 and still making good choices! Ok, not all of them were perfect, but I was amazed that I could tell myself no to all those things! I've been doing awesome on water too. School gets out in a couple weeks and I hope that I can continue that momentum. I do great drinking water here, but at home...for some reason it's not as easy.

I have one challenge ahead...I forgot that I was going to be stuck here for a meeting tonight and so I didn't bring anything for dinner with me. Usually we go out as a faculty on days we have meetings because we are all sticking around. Going out will be a challenge. It's not like we don't eat at places that have good choices...it's me having trouble making a good choice. I go in with the best intentions, but end up feeling major guilt because I get something less appealing to the new healthy me.

One Step at a Time

And so it keeps going. Water. Food. Water. Water....lots of water *L*

I'm happy with how I've been doing so far this week. I've been journaling my food and drinking a ton of water. If you look at the food...it's not the best, and I realize that. But I'm happy with being aware of eating smaller portions and getting into the habit of journaling. I've also taken some harder steps yesterday dealing with wanting to snack more because I think I need it, but held off because I knew my body wouldn't benefit from it.

I had an interesting trip to the store yesterday that I hope to use each time I have to go there. I had a very short list of 3 things I had to pick up yesterday. I went after school around 4 or so. One of my worst times food and craving wise. I walked in there going...hmmmm...I could get some of these too...and maybe one of these....and maybe a package of these! So I'm walking around, thinking of ways to add to my list (of things I DON'T need) and I look around while I'm walking. I swear, I must have noticed about 4 or 5 big ladies also getting some shopping done. Ya'll...it was like looking into a mirror while I was shopping. Best therapy I could have had yesterday. I walked around that store, picked up the 3 things I needed, went to check out and left. Yay me!

My Path

Path, journey, road, whatever you want to call it. We are all on one. Leading us here. Taking us there. Journeys on the way to a final destination or goal. Many people, esp. women, but men too, are on a path to lose weight. there are a variety of reasons that brought us to this particular journey, but the end result is the same - weight loss. We each have our own path to take this journey, and our own mode of transportation (motivation).

I announced my own journey down this path yet again, last week. Wrote a nice blog with just the right emotion and conviction - "Here I go!" Got everyone to believe it...even myself. The kicker is I have yet to take a single step!

I don't know what's stopping me. I know this path well. I've been up it, down it, all around it, but lately, mostly I've been off it. Not too far off, just enough. My bags are packed, I've made my announcement, but I am frozen in place. I just can't take that first step.


That is, until today. I realized I was using the stress in my life (and there is a lot of it at the moment) to hold me in place, and using all the excuses I could think of to justify starting at another time when there was less stress. how can I expect to manage my eating in less stress times, if I can't do it now? I also realized I wasn't looking at taking steps, but leaps and bounds down the path to get to my goal as quickly as possible....but that's not realistic.

So, here I am. Sunday. A good place to start new and take the first step and keeping going on step at a time. Steps 1-3 are actually ready to go - A sensible breakfast (and lunch and dinner), journal my food, and drink water. When that is all finished, I'll start taking more steps. I am sure that not all steps are going to be easy, and some of them will probably be in the wrong direction :P No matter what, I will keep taking one step at a time.

What's wrong with me?

I feel disconnected and discombobulated. I can't focus worth nothing and it's a crazy day here in my class. I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe it's my anxiety or maybe it's just stress finally getting the better of me. I sincerely have issues concentrating today. I can't focus on my kids, my lessons or my treasurer duties. I'm going to stay with my dad tonight and worried about the monstrous guilt trip he's laying on my mom because she needs to get out and have a break from everything. There's so much I want to scream and shout and yell at him about, yet I really don't feel it's my place to do so. I think it's really taken over and may be the cause of my lack of concentration and lack of caring concerning my job today. I don't know how to get over it.

Mental Health Day

Yesterday, I took a break. It was convenient that I got to leave school early to go and pick up my license from traffic court yesterday. Half day of school and a break.

Traffic court was boring..my part took all of 20 seconds. I've always been insured, just didn't happen to have it at the time I was pulled over. I showed proof and I got to leave. Some interesting characters, but for the most part, it was boring.

I went home, got some lunch and chilled. I unpacked a box, cleaned my kitchen (mostly), laundry, and prepped my living room to be painted. It was wonderful. No worrying about church and school, half day with my "angelic" students, and me time with the cat :) Was very refreshing. Eating was even pleasant until I hit the doritos for a before bed snack :P

Today I'm ready to go. Another long day at school to get financials together and do some general organizing of my papers here. It's a mess. No complaining, it's my fault for not keeping them together in the first place, but I have my work cut out for me. The next week or two is going to be interesting, but really stressful. Anyone for a drink?

Less than a day??

Yesterday was long. Arrived at school around 7 and didn't leave until about 12 hours later. Started my new blog here, realized my students are not as far behind as I feared, and did some prep for a meeting I have tonight.

I'm kinda worried about this meeting. We (my church) needs to try and secure a second mortgage on our property. We def don't want to do this, but if we want the school to stay open, it needs to be done. We are basically out of money. My job, as treasurer, is to get stuff in order to show the guy coming for this meeting. I have never done this before and worried that it's not going to be good enough. but if I don't have everything needed, it's not the end of the world right? (just need to keep telling myself this)

Well, by the end of the day, I was ready for a drink. So, I thought I'd call on my friend to go for a drink before heading home. He was recovering from a bad weekend so that was a no go. (He so kindly told me he was gonna order a pizza with his dad...a better offer..his words, not mine). OK, no problem. I crawled into a Burger King bag and ate my way out. Ok, it could have been much worse (and has been in the past).

I figured that when I got home I would find my bag of doritos or something, but I didn't. I turned on the CUBS game and quietly curled up with a book for the rest of the evening.

Why do I always want to add insult to injury? I already feel tired and crappy - why go for BK when I can't afford it...money or calories. What's the point?

So, this morning...all rested from a good night's sleep, get to school and the jitters are back. Once again, trying to soothe them with food. When will I get it through my head? Well, just because the day started off bad, doesn't mean I need to let the day get worse and worse. The plan of attack is to behave normally and keep very busy (not too hard, I have a ton of stuff to do). Keeps my mind away from grabbing a snack and stuff gets accomplished. We'll see how it goes.

Can I fix this??

Yes I can!!

I am convinced of it! Despite many failings in the past, I still feel as though I am moving in the right direction. It's time to put all this knowledge I've been storing for the last, I don't know how many years, to good use!!

What am I talking about? Being healthy!!

I have been very lucky in that God has kept me relatively healthy most all of my life. The biggest (and most obvious) problem has been my weight. My weight is soooooo not at a healthy point and has been a source of unhappiness for most of my life.

Enough is enough!!

Enough talk, time to walk! This blog is going to be everything. I'm going to let it all out. I don't care who reads it or not, but if you do and have something to add, please feel free. There are three sources of help to keep us growing -- Christ, ourself and other people. I intend to use any and everything to keep my ass in gear and do what I need to do. I will post goals, journal, vent, accomplishments, whatever comes to mind..it's all out there to keep me, and other people going in the direction that is best for us.