From the bottom on up...

(The theme from the Jefferson's comes to mind)

I finally binged last night. I haven't been eating healthy, but haven't actually binged until last night. Maybe it was what I needed, I'm not sure. But this morning, things feel a little brighter (even when I woke up at like 2:30 in the morning, I could tell my disposition felt lighter than this past week or so). I learned earlier this week that even though I wanted "instant" results and feel better, it's not gonna happen. Day by day: working, planning, praying - results will happen. I will be lifted from my pit.

Recently I started reading a book about meditation. The woman who wrote it has actually become a Buddhist (which I have no intention of becoming ) but I think I will get some benefits on meditation and teaching myself some strategies to calm myself down. I am a very sensitive (overly so) person and very empathetic and can experience some extreme emotions sometimes (even when it has nothing to do with me). I can even tell right now - I feel so good that I am getting out of the doldrums that I can even feel some elation. I want to use some of the meditation techniques to even my emotions out....stay away from the extreme highs and lows....even keel...without just burying my emotions and ignoring them where they will likely explode at some point later on.

HYC - Emotions

Been dealing with a lot of emotions this month. For an emotional eater who hasn't learned how to fully deal with that connection...my desire to change is at one of its weakest point (whenever I am highly emotional). Learning how to deal with emotions is also something I try to teach my kindergarteners about. I was rather frustrated as I watched one woman this morning as she was doing exactly the opposite of what I try to teach them. She was upset about something (and rightly so) and confronted the person who had upset her (also rightly so). But interrupted the entire class to rebuke her in front of everyone and proceeded to talk about her to other people in the class after she had sat down. One lesson I try to teach my kids is about anger. Naturally kids get mad or upset because, say, one kid pushed him and wants to push him back. I try to teach them that its ok to feel anger (or other emotions) but it's not ok to hurt other people because we are angry.

Hello?!?! is that not Exactly what I do to myself? When I was ignorant, I didn't know that I was abusing food to help myself. But I know better and do it anyway (at least sometimes). Why should I use my emotions as an excuse to harm myself? I don't deserve to be abused and yet, I have been doing it for years. Always putting myself down. Always. Even as an adult. Bringing myself to believe that the choices I have made to make myself big made me a bad person. Unhealthy maybe, but not bad.

My goals for the coming week: Emotions. Start by letting emotions flow alone. Run their course and let them go. No need to involve food. this will also be helped by carefully planning my meals for each day (which is good anyway) to help me to stay focused and really try to separate eating and emotions.

Simply Miserable

That's how I feel. Just miserable. The week after dad died, I didn't do too well with staying on track. The week after that, I seemed to get back to myself again. Now I'm back in the doldrums. I am in the god-awful cycle of hating what i see in the mirror and eating as a result of it, even though I know it just contributes to the image in the mirror. I am in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it, or if I even feel like getting out of it. I wake up in the morning asking myself, "what kind of junk do I want for breakfast today?" Just to purposefully start the day of wrong. I am sabatoging myself and I don't understand why. Luckily, my efforts to do me in have only resulted in my weight staying the same and not going up. I really need to figure out what is driving these feelings and actions, or else figure out how to ignore them and do what I need to do next in order to keep going.

HYC

It's been a crazy week...but I stayed the same in weight. Water was hard being out of school and all the things going on this past week. This will be short and hope to catch up with everyone later.

I love you dad.

There are no words to express the emptiness you have left and the joy in the knowledge that you suffer no more and are rejoicing with our Lord in heaven. You will be missed and we all look forward to the day we can be reunited once more.

Wordless Wednesday (a day late)

Yes, it's not really wednesday, but the emotional rollercoaster continues and I'm just not feeling it, so I thought I'd post a pic. here is me with my new nephew

Mixed emotions

Yesterday bombed. In a bad way. I feel as though I've barely started and I'm already off the wagon and can't pull myself up. It's such a busy, stressful week, and I can't wait for school to be finished for the summer. I just don't have the strength to make the hard decisions that shouldn't be hard at all considering it's for my good health and well being. My stomach is reminding me of the injustice I did yesterday. It is very upset right now, although I am a little stressed as well.

This morning I was hit with some news that has literally left me breathless. You could probably knock me over with a feather right now. I teach at a small school. We are struggling pretty badly right now, but there are people willing to work to make changes and turn things around. I believe in my school and the people here and the education we offer. And there are certain people that I know feel the same way. Or at least I thought I did. One family in which I have become particularly close to has decided to go to a different school next year. I am completely blown away by this news. A million emotions are going through me right now. Was I a bad teacher? I mean, I know I can always do better, but am I really that bad? I feel betrayed. These people that I love and trusted are deserting us and don't believe in us in the way I thought they did. I know people have a right to send their children anywhere to get an education (and they should!) , but I thought they were on our side. There are definite pros and cons to our school, but I believe the pros outweigh the cons, and I thought this family did as well. How can we hope to survive with actions such as these?

I know these things are not in my hands...if we are meant to close, then so be it. But I'm not willing to go down without a fight and try and make things work. I know all I can do is pray and pray that God uses me the right way to do His work.

HYC....not a pleasant week

Weight: 273.0 lbs
Body Fat %: 47.5
Water: 37%

I need to check into this body fat % thing is...I actually went down...does that mean I've gained a little muscle?

I feel like the poster child for "what not to do". 2 lb gain and I grabbed some leftover pizza for breakfast this morning. Now, really, how is that supposed to help me??

This is the last week of school, so schedules are off, kids are crazy to be done, and I'm getting ready for Kindergarten graduation and closing service on Friday. I see no reason to forget about taking care of myself.

Things done well this past week:

Drank water. I have so much water flowing through me, it feels great. It helps that I love water, it's not too difficult to get it all down. Being at home is a little more difficult, but I think I can get into the habit.

Things to work on:

Going out to eat. I did it again last night with pizza. I didn't prepare myself as well as I thought I had and it was free food and I treated it like a free for all. Stuffed myself good. (but also drank several glasses of water too.)

Was off schedule over the weekend. Ate at odd times and over ate as a result.


Goals:

Get back to my Jenny Craig roots. I've been on and off this program a couple times..usually I go off because I really can't afford their food. I took away something this time though, and that was their "meal on your own" plan. I would have to say it's comparable to Weigh Watchers "points", in that it gives you so many "things" a day to stick to and you can lose weight. JC, instead of points breaks it down by food groups, and gives you guides for a certain number of starches, protiens, fats, milks, etc. for each meal/day, depending on how you want to break it down. My goal for this week is to refresh my memory on those numbers, and apply it to the food I am eating each day and journal it. This will let me see if I'm eating too much of one thing or not enough of another, etc.

Keep up with the water. I've already got 12 oz down and it's barely 8 am. My secret: I use a pop can as a water bottle. I don't know why, but for some reason, it's easier for me to drink and I drink a lot more than when I was using a water bottle. I've also used the small water bottles in the past, and that also seemed to help me drink more than when using the bigger ones.




Ok, it's time to get things ready for the start of school. I will not be the poster child for "what not to do" anymore.