Keep on keepin' on

Renewed efforts. Consistency. Keep on, keepin’ on. It’s hard. But it’s not as hard as the consequences of constant indulgence (thanks Chuck!). I am living proof of these consequences. It’s written all over my body from head to toe. Morbid obesity. Knee problems. The outside is shielding the inside and preventing her from coming out and being herself. Hiding from the world. I don’t want to hide anymore and I want to stop looking for the greener pasture. It’s only going to get greener if I put the effort into making it green. Yesterday – didn’t make all the choices I wanted. But the world did not and will not end. Neither has my focus…it just got blurred with the bad day I had. Today, things are clear again. I have not stepped on the scale since last Friday when it showed a 7 lb loss. I know that this week has not been as disciplined as the week before and I don’t want the number to deter me from my ultimate goal of living and being healthy. All these little excuses to convince yourself it’s ok to eat can really add up! Much more than I ever thought possible. I knew I was an emotional and comfort eater, but I never realized how often those kinds of thoughts would cross my mind when the climate is less than perfect (and I’m not talking about the weather!), and how often I wouldn't even think about it and just give in to it. I am also finding that I am plagued by wanting to give in. Perhaps as I keep moving forward, it will get easier and easier not to give in. On some days it’s very easy not to give in, others are hard.

I’m kinda all over the place this morning but this is one of those rare times that I feel that I’m not just planning my journey, I’m actually on it and living it. Learning from what mistakes I am making and not letting them destroy my efforts and victories. It’s hard. But it’s worth to keep on keepin’ on.

Unstable weekend

Enough with the rain! I know it doesn't compare to Texas or other hurricane ravaged areas, but we set a record on Saturday for the most rain in one day for the City of Chicago..more than 6 inches. Several rivers have flooded including the north branch of the Chicago River right in the city. Personally, I got some seepage in my basement (rivers of it) but that's about it. Although the owners marked down that they did not get water in the basement, so we're gonna check into that. Mucho kudos to the police, fire department, volunteers and the media even for doing so much over the weekend to help people out and get information to the public and keeping them as up to date as possible.

With the rain came also a rocky weekend for me with food. First was Saturday night. I was at my mom's for a little pizza dinner because of my brother's birthday. this is usually a problem anyway because when it comes to being at my moms...all bets are off and I just like to find stuff to fill my stomach with. I knew it was coming and had a plan (brought carrots with me and only going to have a set amount of pizza) and then a few little things got in my way (eating too late, really hungry and hell, it was Aurelio's pizza man!!)and I let it go. And topped it off with ice cream. Sunday started off well enough...a friend took me out to lunch after church and I ordered a skillet, ate half for the other half to take home. After my 2.5 hour drive home in the traffic and rain and flooded roads, I was not in the best of moods when I got home, a few unkind words from my friend and all in all ended up eating more in addition to the leftovers from breakfast.

Didn't feel too bad about it, but I've learned some lessons this weekend. One: bring more than carrots to snack on in case dinner is 2 hours later than what you counted on. Two: Don't drive on days where the streets are flooded and you have to find creative, non flooded ways to get home. Three: Find someone else to go to when emotions get the better of me and I want to bring food into the occasion. Because he sucked at it. I know it was my choice to binge, not his..but gotta find someone else next time.

This morning things seem to be back on track. Going to have a long week, spending most of my time at school for one thing or another. Brought my lunch and dinner with me, as well as some apples to snack on. Also getting lots of water down. The weekend is usually a bad time for me to get all my water drunk. The whole exercise thing seems to be MIA as I forgot to bring my workout clothes with me today and I can't seem to get in that groove. Just like the food though..I just gotta do it and forget thinking about it all the time.

Mixed up

Last friday saw my highest ever on the scale. 281. Marked it down. This friday saw 274.5. Wow. That's awesome. I expected something, but not this. Wow.

One week now I've been eating better. And the odd thing is...it's not hard! It's been so easy, like everything I've ever learned has finally clicked into the right place and it's working. I bought a bunch of veggies at the store and I'm eating them! I eat much smaller portions and even when I feel a little hungry, I don't give in to it! I eat when I know it's right and ignore the rest. I'm not saying it's smooth sailing, because I still think about what I"m making, and catch myself wanting to eat because it's in there or I'm bored or whatever, but it's a lot easier to talk myself out of it. It's like the logical part of my brain and eating what's best for me has finally taken over the emotional side that makes me eat whenever and whatever the heck I feel like and to heck with the consequences.

Time to get moving again! Back to the walking and strength tape. My knee has been giving me heck lately though. Maybe because of the weather, I don't know. I tried my mile walk the other morning before school. My normal 25 min mile took me over 40 min, but I'm glad I still walked...it was a beautiful morning and it felt good. Despite the rain today, I will be walking again.

Goal: Walk every morning for 1 mile. Strength tape every other day and my core rhythms every day. At the end of the week...I'm going to the movies!

Shaken and stirred

Last week I faced a crossroads and had to make a choice on where my life was going to be heading (food wise). On Saturday my friend helped to convince me not to go for the burger and fries at Flugtag and ever since, I made my choice to move off my previous path and on to better portion control and better choices and I've been feeling great ever since. Great..heck, I've been wonderful! I feel hungry and yet I know I can get past it and eat what is best for me and not having food control me anymore has been a natural high that I never want to get down from.

Today, I made a small slip. I knew what I was doing with those baked lays, it wasn't a huge one, but not part of my plan and so I indulged in several servings of them, threw the bag away and thought there...what's done is done. It tasted good and I felt better and was ready to move on. My unconscious had another idea. My cabinet here at school is stacked with snacks for my students for this month...including one of my faves....cracker sandwiches with pb and some with cheese. One very, very brief thought entered my head about grabbing some of those crackers and running for the border. Lasted all of about 5 seconds, but shook me up for better part of an hour. I was so shocked by this thought that it threw me off balance and out of sorts for the rest of the morning. By the time I went down to lunch (sans the chips I had set aside for lunch time), I was feeling more like my normal self. (Note: I did not grab the crackers, but my apple instead and munched on that). For lunch, I had my salad, half sandwich, pears and milk. The interaction with the other teachers distracted me long enough and by the end of lunch I was much better.

Even now, as I write it, it sounds ridiculous to me that one little thought should have such a violent reaction, but I remember it very vividly how strong it was. Since Saturday, not one thought like it has entered my head and I've been very happy without them. Maybe I needed the reminder not to let my head get too far in the clouds, remember what got me here in the first place, and how to stay away from it in the future. I ate those chips for the wrong reason and I should know better than to treat food like that.

Breast cancer walk

In 2006 I did the 3 day walk for breast cancer here in Chicago and loved it. It was one of the toughest things I have ever done, but it was worth it. 2007 and 2008 held some other challenges for me so I didn't quite make it to those, but 2009, watch out! There's money to raise, walking to do and hopefully building or finding my own team to do it with. If anyone is out there who has done it before that might have some good tips for fundraising or anything, or would like to walk...drop me a comment.

For more info, check out The 3 Day website.

Hope

Anyone play poker? You know when you have a really good hand and you know you can beat the odds. You are so confident in your hand that you are even willing to go "all in"? You are willing to bet everything that you can win it all. Now, the chances are there that you might not make it, but you are willing to chance it. I'm there. I am ready to go all in. I am ready to put it all out on the table and give it all I've got so that I can win the pot in the middle of the table. The only thing I've got to lose is weight.

I wish I could say I had finally come to this realization on my own, but I didn't. Through a long conversation on Thursday and an even longer one on Saturday, my friend helped me realize something I had never held for myself: hope. He's a bit of an extremist, and doesn't fully understand losing weight, but throughout our talk, he convinced me that I have everything possible within me to make this happen. Recently, I had come to the happy conclusion that I was not making decisions that made me happy and making myself feel guilty for things that I enjoyed doing, and so, decided to stop doing such things and beating myself up. Having crossed that emotional hurdle, this conversation, while at times quite frank, was so good for me. Not only did we talk long enough that I didn't go over to the concession stand for a hot dog or burger, but convinced me that indeed, I would survive if I didn't get anything. We ended up leaving soon after and getting something healthier to eat somewhere else. Honestly, I'm not sure exactly how he did it, but he gave me so much hope, that even though it's going to suck at first learning new portions, that I could do it. As much as I hoped this for myself, I don't think I ever fully believed that it was possible for me to literally be half the person that I am now. What an empowering thought!

**Edit**

I don't mean to leave out all those wonderful people who have supported me over the years while I wrestle with my weight. My family and my friends and online friends have been great and very supportive! Without them, I wouldn't have kept going for so long, I probably would have given up! Maybe it was just the right time for me, and he just said the right words at this time that they had such an impact on me.

Just another Manic Monday

ok, well, it's really Tuesday, but the effect is still the same...the start of another week!

I gotta tell ya, I had a great weekend! It was mostly spent at home, but I did go out to a friend's house on Saturday to watch the Cubs game, had dinner there and then went to see Martina McBride!! I have always wanted to see her in concert and she was as great as I had hoped! Her voice is just incredible! I don't know how she doesn't lose her voice all the time, she sings with such power and passion! The rest of the weekend, however was spent doing things around the house. I love going out and seeing my friends, but I've found I equally love staying in and working around my house (still can't get used to that yet!)

I've gotten back to some of my walking again, which is good! Allison had a great idea of walking before work, so of course this morning when I went to hit snooze, I turned it off instead, woke up too late and left no time for walking. But tomorrow, it's on!

I have a great meal plan for today, and a very long day here at school, but I am prepared with food from home and will not stray to the various fast food joints around here. As long as I make a plan, it's easier for me to stay focused and on track.