Mixed up

Last friday saw my highest ever on the scale. 281. Marked it down. This friday saw 274.5. Wow. That's awesome. I expected something, but not this. Wow.

One week now I've been eating better. And the odd thing is...it's not hard! It's been so easy, like everything I've ever learned has finally clicked into the right place and it's working. I bought a bunch of veggies at the store and I'm eating them! I eat much smaller portions and even when I feel a little hungry, I don't give in to it! I eat when I know it's right and ignore the rest. I'm not saying it's smooth sailing, because I still think about what I"m making, and catch myself wanting to eat because it's in there or I'm bored or whatever, but it's a lot easier to talk myself out of it. It's like the logical part of my brain and eating what's best for me has finally taken over the emotional side that makes me eat whenever and whatever the heck I feel like and to heck with the consequences.

Time to get moving again! Back to the walking and strength tape. My knee has been giving me heck lately though. Maybe because of the weather, I don't know. I tried my mile walk the other morning before school. My normal 25 min mile took me over 40 min, but I'm glad I still walked...it was a beautiful morning and it felt good. Despite the rain today, I will be walking again.

Goal: Walk every morning for 1 mile. Strength tape every other day and my core rhythms every day. At the end of the week...I'm going to the movies!

Shaken and stirred

Last week I faced a crossroads and had to make a choice on where my life was going to be heading (food wise). On Saturday my friend helped to convince me not to go for the burger and fries at Flugtag and ever since, I made my choice to move off my previous path and on to better portion control and better choices and I've been feeling great ever since. Great..heck, I've been wonderful! I feel hungry and yet I know I can get past it and eat what is best for me and not having food control me anymore has been a natural high that I never want to get down from.

Today, I made a small slip. I knew what I was doing with those baked lays, it wasn't a huge one, but not part of my plan and so I indulged in several servings of them, threw the bag away and thought there...what's done is done. It tasted good and I felt better and was ready to move on. My unconscious had another idea. My cabinet here at school is stacked with snacks for my students for this month...including one of my faves....cracker sandwiches with pb and some with cheese. One very, very brief thought entered my head about grabbing some of those crackers and running for the border. Lasted all of about 5 seconds, but shook me up for better part of an hour. I was so shocked by this thought that it threw me off balance and out of sorts for the rest of the morning. By the time I went down to lunch (sans the chips I had set aside for lunch time), I was feeling more like my normal self. (Note: I did not grab the crackers, but my apple instead and munched on that). For lunch, I had my salad, half sandwich, pears and milk. The interaction with the other teachers distracted me long enough and by the end of lunch I was much better.

Even now, as I write it, it sounds ridiculous to me that one little thought should have such a violent reaction, but I remember it very vividly how strong it was. Since Saturday, not one thought like it has entered my head and I've been very happy without them. Maybe I needed the reminder not to let my head get too far in the clouds, remember what got me here in the first place, and how to stay away from it in the future. I ate those chips for the wrong reason and I should know better than to treat food like that.

Breast cancer walk

In 2006 I did the 3 day walk for breast cancer here in Chicago and loved it. It was one of the toughest things I have ever done, but it was worth it. 2007 and 2008 held some other challenges for me so I didn't quite make it to those, but 2009, watch out! There's money to raise, walking to do and hopefully building or finding my own team to do it with. If anyone is out there who has done it before that might have some good tips for fundraising or anything, or would like to walk...drop me a comment.

For more info, check out The 3 Day website.

Hope

Anyone play poker? You know when you have a really good hand and you know you can beat the odds. You are so confident in your hand that you are even willing to go "all in"? You are willing to bet everything that you can win it all. Now, the chances are there that you might not make it, but you are willing to chance it. I'm there. I am ready to go all in. I am ready to put it all out on the table and give it all I've got so that I can win the pot in the middle of the table. The only thing I've got to lose is weight.

I wish I could say I had finally come to this realization on my own, but I didn't. Through a long conversation on Thursday and an even longer one on Saturday, my friend helped me realize something I had never held for myself: hope. He's a bit of an extremist, and doesn't fully understand losing weight, but throughout our talk, he convinced me that I have everything possible within me to make this happen. Recently, I had come to the happy conclusion that I was not making decisions that made me happy and making myself feel guilty for things that I enjoyed doing, and so, decided to stop doing such things and beating myself up. Having crossed that emotional hurdle, this conversation, while at times quite frank, was so good for me. Not only did we talk long enough that I didn't go over to the concession stand for a hot dog or burger, but convinced me that indeed, I would survive if I didn't get anything. We ended up leaving soon after and getting something healthier to eat somewhere else. Honestly, I'm not sure exactly how he did it, but he gave me so much hope, that even though it's going to suck at first learning new portions, that I could do it. As much as I hoped this for myself, I don't think I ever fully believed that it was possible for me to literally be half the person that I am now. What an empowering thought!

**Edit**

I don't mean to leave out all those wonderful people who have supported me over the years while I wrestle with my weight. My family and my friends and online friends have been great and very supportive! Without them, I wouldn't have kept going for so long, I probably would have given up! Maybe it was just the right time for me, and he just said the right words at this time that they had such an impact on me.

Just another Manic Monday

ok, well, it's really Tuesday, but the effect is still the same...the start of another week!

I gotta tell ya, I had a great weekend! It was mostly spent at home, but I did go out to a friend's house on Saturday to watch the Cubs game, had dinner there and then went to see Martina McBride!! I have always wanted to see her in concert and she was as great as I had hoped! Her voice is just incredible! I don't know how she doesn't lose her voice all the time, she sings with such power and passion! The rest of the weekend, however was spent doing things around the house. I love going out and seeing my friends, but I've found I equally love staying in and working around my house (still can't get used to that yet!)

I've gotten back to some of my walking again, which is good! Allison had a great idea of walking before work, so of course this morning when I went to hit snooze, I turned it off instead, woke up too late and left no time for walking. But tomorrow, it's on!

I have a great meal plan for today, and a very long day here at school, but I am prepared with food from home and will not stray to the various fast food joints around here. As long as I make a plan, it's easier for me to stay focused and on track.

Finally Friday

My prediction came true this week. I knew that once I was back in school and dealing with the long drive and my angels, that things would change and they have. During school, I've been staying on plan. It's when I get home, things fall apart a little bit, with eating and keeping up with my chores. I've been trying all week to get my laundry done and my kitchen cleaned and every evening, I end up watching TV and feeling too tired to want to do anything. I eat a big snack and then a big dinner, feel horrible because I'm not getting the things done that I want to and eating too much stuff and just being tired. Then I'm just tired and feeling sorry for myself and upset and so nothing gets done and I go to bed. Bah. I don't want to spend the school year acting like this! I can't spend my evenings being like this. It's getting away from who I am and who I'm trying to be. (and it's making the number on the scale reach ever higher and higher!)

I guess my first problem is how to get over not being so tired when I get home after a long drive (usually about an hour). I feel too tired to do my walk, to do some light housework, to make a real meal (at least I am convincing myself of this). So far all I've come up with is to maybe do my walk here at school before I get in the car to drive home. Or just trying to force myself to do some things anyway, it'll make me feel better.

I realize this is mostly rambling and brainstorming to figure out how to get over myself and do a few things that need to be done. but if anyone has a suggestion or two...thanks!

Another day

Hey,...I cooked last night. Real cooking. Not heating up something in the microwave. I'm so proud. :)

On top of that, it was really good! I made some chicken salsa, mexican rice from a package and my friend cooked up some seasoned corn. Made for a delicious meal :)

I'm still trying to make sense of my emotional eating the other night, but I'm not really sure how to do it. I guess what happened was a deep seeded fear about trusting and being in a relationship (although it's not progressed that far), and I immediately sank into old habits and feelings. I am a better person than that these days. Personally, I haven't felt this good in I don't know how long. I'm even doing better professionally and ready to have my best year yet (I'm finally living up to my potential :) ) I guess I still have some issues to deal with and I'm not sure how to overcome my fears. Maybe only time will be able to take care of it.

I'm being more careful about food these past couple of days and even got my walk in last night. Tonight I hope to get my walk in as well as my strength tape...it's the only way to shrink these arms!