Merry Christmas

We celebrated Christmas here at my house for the first time last night and it was wonderful. It was our first Christmas with out dad, so I think that's why mom suggested having it here at my house (that, and I know she doesn't want to deal with the mess afterward!) On Christmas Eve we get together to open gifts and have an appetizer smorgasbord. As anyone knows, appetizers are one of my biggest downfalls and we had some gooood stuff last night! Although, we did decide not to go with any chips and dips this year, we had other stuff in it's place! Since it was Christmas, I didn't want any bad moods to disturb my good cheer and lay off myself and enjoyed it thoroughly. I ate whatever I wanted and I'm so happy to say that my "eat whatever I want" is of much more normal proportions these days! The last week or so, I've still been hovering around the 15lb loss mark, which is ok by me. Now that my knee is on the better side of things, it's time to get back to my gazelle again. I have 2 wonderful weeks off to enjoy myself, "walk" and fix up my office/guest bedroom. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday.

Monday

What a crazy weekend here! Saturday I had two Christmas parties to go to. One was the faculty Christmas party at our school secretary's house (it's a small staff), and then I left that a little early to head down to our bowling Christmas party. Had a great time at both parties with good food, friends and family. Sunday I was up at 6 to finish a partylite order (I'm a consultant), go to my mom's church for 8:00 service because her choir was singing a Christmas contata, go to my church for 11:00 service because the students were singing. In the afternoon I headed to a friend's house for a surprise graduation party for my best friend who has graduated from college. I left there to go to my mom's house where we were driving up to go to another Christmas concert at another church. Everything was great and I'm glad I did it all, but man am I tired today! My eating went well during all the parties as well, so I'm glad about that. Christmas Eve is going to be at my house this year with lots of appetizers and good stuff to eat which is my downfall...I love appetizer type food and it's harder to keep track of that than like a regular sit down meal.

This week was supposed to start off with a meeting tonight and one tomorrow, but luckily the one tonight was canceled so I can go home and do a load of laundry so that I have clothes to wear for the rest of the week. After that it's just getting things finished up here at school before break, and cleaning my house so people can come over next week. I also made a deal with my friend to keep ourselves accountable from now on. So far it worked, I got my butt moving again on the Gazelle for 10 min every day. My knee was even protesting that, so I couldn't do more, but it's feeling a bit better today, so I'm hoping for 15 or 20 minutes. It feels good to get my butt moving again, I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't keep it up once I get started.

Dusting myself off

OK, so the last 2 weeks were kinda hellish. I sunk down into this depression that scared even me. I didn't care about anything, I was stressed about work, I was binging, nothing mattered. My eyes definitely were off my prize and it showed.

Once again, I am coming back up and out of it and ready to go again. I was home sick from school on Friday due to a 24 hour flu bug and I watched a show called The Doctors where they were talking about the 4 F's that women fear the most: Fatigue, Forgetfulness, Fifty and Fat. What intrigued me was a site they talked about called Weightview.
I submitted this picture:





And this is what they did to me:




Wow! Do I look healthy!! I look like I can do all the things I really want to do! I don't know that many people find this inspiring, but I do! This hasn't been an easy road and it'll continue to be rocky (I'm definitely a tortoise!) Even though I have down times, I know I can do this and I can look like this person and do all the tennis, rollerblading, hiking, whatever I want and that feels amazing!

Post Thanksgiving

I'm finding it very hard lately to not be negative, so I will try and keep this short. I don't like focusing so much on the negative, but something seems to have taken over me lately. I'm not myself. I'm frustrated by these cycles I seem to keep putting myself through. Things are going well...food intake is good, a little exercise, lots of water...then sliiiiide down. It's not a fast slide, but a slow one until I seem to hit bottom before gaining the strength to dig my feet in and start climbing back to the top. Luckily, this part of the cycle is shorter in length than they used to be, but they are still there. How do you do it? How can I get to the point where I don't have this part of my life anymore? Why do I still find it so hard to get back to my feet? Why do I have to fall so far before my brain says "Hey! stop doing that now!"?

Sorry, like I said, I'm not myself. I was feeling good with that 15 lb loss..but it seemed like it didn't phase anyone and once again, I let others get to me instead of just relying on myself and enjoying this victory to keep going.

I know that other stresses in my life are contributing to this and I can't do anything about those except pray on it and work on not letting it get to me so much because some of it, there's nothing I can do about it, so I just need to keep going and do the best job I can. Wow, talk about a run on sentence....

Happy Thanksgiving!

In the classroom

I do love teaching PreK and K...they come up with the funnies things sometimes.

We were in the basement today in the computer lab and one of my 4 year olds (a little pixie of a girl) needed to use the bathroom down there. So, I walked her over to the bathroom and waited for her (we have one in our class that she's used to using).

After several moments in which i can hear her in the stall:
E: I must be constipated, because I can't go to the bathroom right now (the only 4 year old I know who knows the word constipated)

she hops off the toilet and I hear as she's getting her clothes settled:
E: I really have to pay attention to all these clothes my mom put on me today

Me: so you can stay warm today?

E: yeah



And one of my Kindergartners told me the other day while we were talking about juice "I don't like juice much, I just can't get excited about it."

Have a great weekend!

Doing a little happy dance

But just a little one. :) It goes back to the whole emotions playing a role in my weight loss or gain as the case may be. To be sure, I am happy for another week gone well. :) :) I have found though, that with feeling really (really, really) bad about weight gain, feeling really (really, really) good about loss can be just has detrimental to my efforts. Keeping an even keel, keeping my head about me and continue to do make the changes I have been making is one of the final pieces of this puzzle called "how do I lose weight".

If you didn't notice the pretty button at the top from Scale Junkie I am now at a lovely 15 lb loss. :) One friend mentioned this weekend that she can see a difference, but I haven't noticed one really yet except for one: the 3x T- shirt I wore for bowling on Saturday no longer "caught" around my hips...but slid smoothly down over them completely. In a little while, I believe I'll be back comfortably in my 2x shirts. (who'd a thunk I'd ever be happy saying that statement??)

I am heading out of town this weekend. Lots of ops to throw in the towel..but always in the back of my head I remember that the same metabolism that is able to lose so quickly in the beginning is responsible for gaining it all back just as quickly if I go too far off plan.

Starting another week and HYC

Another long week is upon me. Every night this week and the weekend are occupied with some sort of plan or another. While I do enjoy the time going by quickly, it doesn't leave much time to catch my breath.

Update on goals for November:
Still have had no chips for this month even though ops have presented themselves!
I don't seem to be on track for the 20 days of working out, but I have a calendar on my vision board and I'm pleased with how many days I've colored in as having worked out :)
I'm still 13 lbs lighter than when September started!!!

Overall, I am pleased with how things are progressing. I have stresses in my life and yet I am not as tempted to turn to food and my eating has kept on pace with what I want. I've even gone off plan a couple of times, but they haven't turned into downslides. I am grateful that this path is ahead of me and I continue walking it. The thing that feels different this time is that it's not a euphoria that's keeping me going. I feel very even keeled, keeping my head and wits about me and I think that better equips me when bumps come along, I can take them in better stride.

I think my major theme this year has been "follow through". There are many areas of my life that I just have not put my full energy into and not following through on things that I say I'm going to do. This includes my job, my position as Treasurer at church, losing weight, etc. It feel much better when I do take care of these things. Weights I didn't know I was carrying seem to be lifted each time even a small task is accomplished that I have let go or not followed through to the end. Many people bemoan turning 30...I think this has been one of my best years yet and I can't wait for more to come!

Busy, busy, busy

This week has been really busy, as usual, and the weekend is not going to be a time of slowing down either. I rather like it because it has actually been helping me to keep on track and keep my feelings under control..which keeps the emotional eating to nil. I love it when I can deal with my stresses and emotions in ways other than with food. it's been great to help take off so much weight this fall. I know that I won't be perfect forever, but I celebrate the times I can do it and they are coming more often and staying longer. I realize 13 lbs isn't a lot to some of you who have lost more than that, but I am pretty excited about it here and it kept me focused on Wednesday when I was faced with junk food and will keep me focused this weekend when things are going to be crazy busy. I know that in the beginning, my metabolism is still adjusting and I recently realized the same factors that help take off the weight so quickly in the beginning also help put it back on quickly. Keeping that in mind helps me to keep going even if I feel like throwing in the towel and having maybe a little extra here, or extra there. Right now, every little bit is hurting me and I need to keep on keeping on and I'll get to where I want to be.

Wordless Wednesday (with some words)

This is my mom and me taken this summer. My mom means the world to me. She has the biggest heart I've ever known and will do anything for her kids. Just in the last 2 weeks, she's lent me her car while mine was in the shop and tonight she is helping me out by setting up a table of candles that I'm going to sell because I can't get there until after school.

Things have been so crazy busy lately, that I haven't had much time to post or get around to other blogs lately. (I'm sorry! I will get to them as soon as I can!) But I have a SV and a NSV for this week to share! I stepped on the scale this morning and it read a beautiful 13 lbs lighter than I started earlier this fall! I haven't noticed too many differences except one...when I went to put on the pair of pants I use when I work on the gazelle...they slid over my big belly just a little easier than normal :) (NSV number 1) NSV number two was lunch today. The hardest lunch I have ever eaten. I ate: 1 hot dog, water, and an apple. not a big deal, I know (esp you non hot dog eaters), but what I didn't add to that was the second hot dog, the chips, and the oreos that were also available that EVERYONE ELSE WAS EATING! that's the hardest part! I know I should be an individual, but sometimes, i want to be like everyone else!! It's hard to remind myself that I'm not, I am trying to lose 100+ lbs and skipping it for now is going to help me in the long run. That number 13 is going to be lucky for me today :)

November Goals

I started this post earlier today, but it's been a busy day. It's our only full day of school this week. We had yesterday off because of election day and we are a polling place, and our principal decided to give us monday off too. Man, he couldn't have picked two better days to be off! Both days were like 70+ and sunny! It was perfect! Tomorrow and Friday are Parent/Teacher conferences, so we only have half days. I have so few students this year and they all wanted early times to meet with me, so I'll be done early those days. (more time to clean and organize since my room has gotten a bit messy and cluttered)

Anyway, off the subject already. I wanted to post my goals here to make sure I stay accountable for them...which is crazy because it addresses two issues I've had for a long time and yet, they seem to have waned a bit. One - I used to hate making goals for myself. I just felt that if I didn't reach them I would feel even worse than I already did, so why put myself through that? Two - I've used "accountability" as an excuse for a really long time. I would read everywhere that you should have someone buddy up with you because that helps and you keep each other accountable, etc, etc. I had myself convinced that I *needed* someone and that I was totally unable to do it on my own and that's why I kept failing over and over again. Of course, that's just a bunch of BS, but at the time I was quite convinced of it. I have taken over control of my actions and responsibility for it. And I am just posting this out there so that if anyone wants to, they can help me be accountable for my goals this month..encourage me or kick my butt if I'm slacking off ;)

OK...so there aren't that many, but they'll keep me going. I put up my vision board and on it is a calendar to keep track of the days I work out and what I do on those days. I figure with 30 days in the month, my first goal is to work out for 20 of them. The other goal I have for this month is no chips. I eat a small bag of them like once a day and this month, it's time to go without.

Alas..it's time to get my students up from nap time and do some evaluations. Have a great day and a great month!

Keep your eye on the prize - part 2

In the aftermath of the stress-filled week I had a couple weeks ago, I went into a tired, self pity mode. Feeling bad about the choices I had made. Thinking about J, the guy I have a huge crush on and making myself feel worse by believing that there are so few guys like him left and they will be all snatched up because they would never look at me twice because of how I look...etc, etc..you get the idea. The more I thought about him, the more my focus was pulled away from all the good things I am working on and the worse I felt.

This weekend I have spent a lot of time praying and pulling my focus back on the lifestyle changes I am making. The result is that I am feeling much better and making better choices. MizFit had a great message today about taglines I got to thinking about what mine would be and how I'm living my life now and thought that I would be spending most of the day pondering it, but I think I've already found it: Keep Your Eye On The Prize. As long as I stay focused on what I want, filter out the other bad stuff, I can keep moving forward and do anything! It covers what I want for my physical activity, my spiritual life, everything. I may even change the title and tagline on my blog to reflect my new focus.

Keep your eye on the prize

OK....the scale has been crazy the past couple of days..fluctuating + and - 5 lbs. Doesn't really matter what the actual number is, the bottom line is that it's higher than before. I funked about it for a little bit, but it didn't last and my resolve is back.

So, the problem is: stress kills me. Foodwise anyway. I can hear my brain working overtime now, arguing with myself because I have it finally trained in my head that eating food for comfort is really no comfort at all (although the old me is still acting out that way...but we're working on it). So, I'm thinking that my solution could be to come up with that one (or two) thoughts that are strong enough to hold in my head during those times of stress, and to truly find a better way to comfort myself during those high stress times. Life is not going to be free from stress and ignoring the fact that I don't know how to deal with it is not going to help me get healthy. I've read enough articles on the subject, I have enough information (read a book, go for a walk, etc, etc), it's just a matter of striking the right one for me.

It shouldn't be this complicated. :P It wasn't this hard to put the weight on, it should be easy to take it off again..lol

Wordless Wednesday

The love of my life: my nephew, Alan Patrick. He is one of the main reasons I keep moving my butt...I don't want him to understand how big I am.

What a week

I now know what the words "information overload" mean. I'm still sittin on it, and it's been 3 days since the end of the conference. I was there from Wednesday afternoon until Friday afternoon...a very intense, fact filled week which included sitting in a chair for about 17 hours over the 3 days. (But I did manage to get a mile walked on the treadmill at the hotel Thurs and Fri. mornings!) Not only was it a lot of information, but I believe it was a lot of things that could save my school, so my brain is rattling around the information over and over again. It's been hard to concentrate on other things, including getting back to my lesson plans (I was saved from that today because school was closed)

As far as eating goes, I did what I planned on doing. I didn't eat like a person trying to lose weight, but I didn't overindulge by letting my emotions guide me. I really don't feel like getting back into the game, esp considering I did a preliminary check on the scale this evening, and almost, no, scratch that, all of my work since September has been ruined and gained back. I really want to use these things as an excuse (like I did in the past) to spend at least a month or so just sliding and eating and eating and sliding. But that's not what I really want and that's not what I'm going to do. I'm going back to the beginning and concentrate on 4 things: drink lots of water, get on my Gazelle at least 20 min every other day, watch my portions, and journal everything.

Homework for tonight before going to sleep: stretch and visualize myself hiking up a mountain (something I want to get in shape to do - literally and figuratively)

Lesson learned

No matter what else is going on in my life, there is no reason for me to be acting like this. I do not need to treat food or my body like this. The last several days have been crazy stressful as I prepare for this conference and substitute. And I have been stuffing my face so fast - my stomach doesn't know what hit it. Any and every opportunity to grab some food has been taken. Doughnuts, chips, hot dogs, ice cream, nachos, beef sandwiches, meatballs, cracker sandwiches, pop tarts, Arby's, Papa John's...the list goes on. I totally and completely buckled under the pressures and stress at my job and I'm done with it. At least, starting to make more positive changes and choices to get back where I was mentally and emotionally. It's scary how easily I slipped back and spiraled out of control. I felt like screaming for help, like I was drowning and needed a life preserver to save me. I guess I had forgotten that I already know how to swim. After a couple of deep breaths (thank you!), I think I am starting back to where I want to be and swim toward my goal again. I am going to be gone the next couple of days and the weekend...I am not going to stress about what I am eating, but no overeating and binging. With everything going on - my goal is to really get back to the Gazelle and doing what I need to do to keep going. The good news is that the hotel has a fitness center. If nothing else, a mile or so on the treadmill will start the day off well :)

Help

It's 10:30 in the morning...and I've already consumed about 32 oz of water and about 1500 calories (maybe more) I can't seem to get a grip on myself and the issues and the stress facing me in the next week and something's gotta go and so it was the food...I need it back..I cannot continue like this.

NSV Thursday

With the weekend coming up (and we know we slack off during the weekend), I thought now would be a good chance to start a tradition and count our non scale victories for the week. I've been trying to start this post all day, but it seems I am being pulled in too many directions mentally and it's just one of those kind of days. yesterday eating sucked a**, and today didn't start off the greatest, but not horrible. I need something positive to push me over this hump, so here are some of my victories this week:

~~~I started working out on my new gazelle this weekend! It arrived on Friday afternoon and after several hours of working on it, I got it set up. I tested it out a couple times (no shoes) just to get the feel for it. It says it accepts my weight, but it's a little snug on the width! When I put shoes on for the first real "workout", my feet did indeed hurt! I figured I must have been doing something wrong and I could only do the beginners - 10 minute workout. The next time was the same, but on Tuesday when I did it, must have been doing something different because no feet hurting and I did the 20 minute intermediate workout! I knew it was perfect because the last 2 min were a struggle, but I did it!


~~~The weekend went much smoother than normal! I put my plan into action that I use during the week and it worked! I said no a couple of times I wanted to say yes and it was great!

~~~The 2 mile walking seems to be more regular now. I was alternating with a 1 mile stretch, but the last couple of times has been strictly 2 miles.

~~~I have more energy!!! Woohoo! It's not a big difference yet, but I can tell that I can't just sit on the couch anymore like I used to, not only do I want to get up and do something, it's like I almost half to! It's a great feeling! One of the problems I have had with buying this house is keeping up with the upkeep! I can get by on the inside and keeping it sort of clean, but having major problems getting the energy to get outside and work out there. I am encouraged that by keeping this up, when winter and snow comes and then spring...I'll be better at getting outside to work and having the energy to make it look fabulous!

~~~Every day during the week I have been able to get all my water in!! Just gotta work on those darn weekends!

What are your NSV's for this week??

Wordless Wednesday

Time seems to be in short supply these days, not much time for blogging. But I wanted to show off my babies...the big one is Ashes and the little one is Peanut. I don't know what I'd do without them! I got the little one earlier this summer and has been great for Ashes as a playmate and in general - an annoying little sister ;) I realize I am soon on my way to being a "crazy cat lady" but I don't care! I love my little ones to bits! Have a great day!

Still here

Not that I get all that many visitors and comments, but it's still a great outlet and I love surfing around to see what's going on with other people.

Things have been going pretty good here! The weekend held some expected yet unexpected situations (and I suck at those!), and so overeating ensued. Monday morning, I wrote down a plan for the next time I am faced with a buffet of delicious appetizers and drinks at a friend's house (or anywhere else for that matter). One of my never ending excuses for overeating is: free food equals free for all for me. Wrong-o! Not gonna do it anymore (or at least work harder at it). Monday morning I was back in business, back to routine, back to the eating plan. Tuesday night I was faced with going out to eat with some friends. Normally, this is also an excuse to eat what I want and just say WTF with the whole thing. Thanks to a conversation before hand and a determined Tracy...it didn't happen! I enjoyed 1 beer (it was at a brewery, I had to try it!),ignored the appetizer my friend ordered and I ordered some of the most delicious mac and cheese with chicken I have ever had! it came with a salad (no dressing), I ate enough to make me satisfied (maybe one bite more!) and set it aside...took the rest home and got two more meals out of it. What a NSV that was!!!

For another NSV this week, I also upped my walking twice this week to 2 miles instead of just one!

I stepped on the scale prematurely (friday is weigh in day) and it read the same as last week. I'm good with that. My NSV's include better habits forming and walking the walk and not just talking the talk and it feels pretty flipping good! The rest will start to happen as well. I did order the Gazelle and I hope that it will be here soon since it's getting chilly out and dark too early now.

I hope everyone has a great week and weekend :) Keep up the great progress!

Another week finished

Oh, the scale took off some more weight this week :)

273.0 Total since beg of September: 8 lbs.

I am totally happy with those numbers! I haven't been this consistent in a long time!

The end of this week has started straining on me a little, but I made some decisions that I didn't think I would ever be able to make! Between feeling sorry for myself, getting off schedule, off routine and thinking I needed BK for breakfast (oh and the pants that were too snug), I had many reasons to throw the towel in again. I must have realized that it wasn't worth it because I didn't do it! I decided to change my routine, I didn't go to BK and rejuvenated my plans to find a way to get moving more often. My mantra today is "It's a free day, not a binge day!" so that I can relax a little, but not go overboard if I am feeling a little emotional and feel like going overboard for some reason. I find that more and more when presented with opportunities that in the past I would have jumped at the chance to do (like BK or eating seconds) I don't take them as often as I did. I really have changed enough on the inside so that I can change what is on the outside.

I've also realized some of the things that really motivate me, not just what I think will motivate me. I enjoy watching TV so if I do get a workout machine, it's going right in front of the TV so that when I feel the need to watch, I will be walking (or something) at the same time. My new nephew is also a strong motivator. I don't want him to know how big his auntie T is and when he's big enough, I want to be able to keep up with him. Others include cute clothes, health (no more bad knee), and the hot guy I have a crush on. logically I know that if I lose weight that doesn't mean he's going to notice me any more or less than he does now, but I know it'll open doors to others who will take notice the right way rather than the wrong way.

What motivates you? what keeps you going day after day after day?

HYC check in

Things have been going pretty good over here! I spent about a week and a half off track, but I got back on last week during a package of PB cracker sandwiches (which are sitting as a reminder on my desk). Since the beginning of September, I am still down 7 lbs. I will be weighing in on Friday morning. I found I really like weighing in on Friday. I am starting to settle into a routine of staying pretty strict during the week and then loosening up during the weekend (not hot fudge sundae loose), just not worrying so much and beating myself up if I don't stay as completely strict as I do during the week. It seems to be working to keep me on track and we'll see how the numbers show on the scale on Friday. My monthly (or not so monthly) visit showed up today so we'll see how things look on Friday morning, but I won't be discouraged! I am continuing to do my morning walks although they are still only 30 min mile. It feels good and my knee isn't too messed up.

I did see an infomercial last night for Tony Little's Gazelle and pondering the purchase of one. It seems pretty low impact, which is good for my knee, and would be good indoors for when the weather starts getting really cold for walking (don't really care to walk in cold weather).

I hope everyone has a great week! :)

New Dish

In order to reach my goal of being a healthier person, I need to learn to ocok better dishes than hot dogs and sandwiches. A couple of weeks ago, I started making a dish called Salsa Chicken (which is sooo good!) and still basically using pre-packaged side dishes (one step at a time). Last night I actually threw something together that was entirely me! i was so excited when it actually turned out to be really delicious! So here's my first recipe to share with all of you. the best part is that you can tailor it as you like.

Ingredients:

1 bag of frozen corn
1 plum tomato
1 red pepper
red onion
seasoning
cooking oil

Chop up the tomato, pepper and onion (I only used a slice and a half)

Put a little oil in the pan and let it heat a minute or so and then add all the ingredients. I put them all in at the same time, which left the veggies a little crunchy (my preference - don't care for cooked soggy veggies), and so flavorful! I used a little taco seasoning for spice since I was going for a more mexican feel, but you can definitely change is up depending on the meal.


Here is a picture of the finished product:

Floating again

No more falling! And it feels great!

Wednesday afternoon...as i was working through the 4th package of PB sandwich crackers, I had an image of what I was doing to myself...the fat packing on, the numbers going up...280 again...290...300. Woah. I've thought that number before..but it did it. I put the rest of the package down (it's still sitting on my desk) and I haven't gone back. That night I finally got to the store, got my supplies and food, and yesterday planned it out and followed it beautifully despite a stressful meeting that was facing me that night. today I have started again even though more PB crackers face me...I haven't touched them. I have also kept up all the walking this week. Only one mile per morning, but it feels good and it's something. The scale this morning said 4 lbs lighter! I'm very happy about all of this! But mostly I am happy about feeling in better control.

My students never fail to amaze me in their powers of deduction. The following conversation occurred the other morning with one of my 4 year olds while we were sitting in church waiting for chapel to start:

K: Can I look at the book (hymnal)?

Me: No, not yet, we need to wait for chapel to start.

K: you mean when God comes?

Me: Well, God is already here, He's everywhere.

K: Then who's the guy who goes up front?


I just laughed and explained that he was the pastor of the church, not God. :)

Free falling - HYC check in

yeah I'm free! Free Fallin'!

But I'm definitely not happy about it.

Routine. Being prepared. 2 things I crave to be successful. 2 things I do not have this week. I feel like I am flailing around, trying to grasp onto something and failing. Even if I do manage to grab hold, I lose my grip. this sense of free fall is extremely scary but only sends me faster and faster toward the bottom. I HATE THIS FEELING! For the better part of 2 weeks, things were going great. The power I was starting to feel was intoxicating. I made decisions I wanted and desired. The scale and my body were starting to respond. I loved it. A few bad choices and down I go. How can I get a strong hold on the choices I want to make? Why does a little success scare me so much? Why must I seek failure? I have the power to do this and yet I would rather give in and feel miserable. It doesn't make any sense! I am so tired of feeling like this and whining and complaining and feeling powerless, when in truth, I have all the power in the world to make my body into something healthier.

Ok, enough of that sh*t. I have started walking again. My knee is feeling much better from last week (although I still need to see the doc) and the last 2 mornings before school I've done my mile walk. I'm still not walking right and it feels weird, but I am happy to be walking.

Goals for this week: Get myself to the store, prepare my menu to the choices I want to make and they will be easier to make. Keep up the walking on these gorgeous fall mornings :)

Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em

Yeah...I'm talking about men.

I don't have much of an active dating life, life just seems too busy right now to deal with that and trying to change my lifestyle at the same time...plus work and church and everything..it's just a lot to do. I guess I'm living without 'em for now, but I would like to find one I could eventually end up living with. the ones I have in my life right now just aren't working.

First there's C...we became friends and see each other once in a while...he's not really all that strong in faith, so I know that the future doesn't hold anything for us as far as serious, but we have a good time together and that's important too. I'm just wondering if there's something more.

Then there's R...very cute, laid back, hard worker, laid back, fun to be with...oh and did I mention laid back? He thinks nothing of being a little late when we say we are going to meet around 2:30 and i call at 2:40 curious to know where he is and he's just getting out of the shower, oblivious to the time. Or going for weeks without talking or going out and then calls up and says "lets hang out". I don't really think that's for me either. I'm not really laid back, so I wouldn't mind having a partner who is...but I think this is a little much.

Now we get to J...good looking, funny, smart, a little ADD but a hard worker, caring, same strong faith as myself, laid back, but not too much. I have a terrible crush on this one..lol but I don't think he really sees me as anything more than an acquaintance/friend. Oh, and his ex looks like a barbie doll and is a lot more outgoing than I am...I guess my extra weight and shyness really aren't interesting to him. We're friendly, but that's about it. Maybe we would be good together or not, but I still have a big crush on him. He has the goofiest grin that makes my tummy quiver each time I see him smile.

Now enter K...someone I met through a site..talk on the phone once in a while or text...tried a couple times to meet up for a movie or something, but couldn't happen. Out of the blue he asks me out for friday, I say ok cuz he's still a nice guy and I like talking to him, and he says there's something he wants to talk about with me. I ask what, and he says he's been thinking about it and would I want to be his girl? Now, if we talked more often than once or twice a month I wouldn't be so surprised or taken aback. I told him we'll meet on Friday and I'll discuss with him my feelings on the subject then, not through texting.

I guess I don't really have a point to this. Maybe I'm meant to find and be happy with myself before I find a member of the opposite sex to share my life with and be happy and make him happy.

Keep on keepin' on

Renewed efforts. Consistency. Keep on, keepin’ on. It’s hard. But it’s not as hard as the consequences of constant indulgence (thanks Chuck!). I am living proof of these consequences. It’s written all over my body from head to toe. Morbid obesity. Knee problems. The outside is shielding the inside and preventing her from coming out and being herself. Hiding from the world. I don’t want to hide anymore and I want to stop looking for the greener pasture. It’s only going to get greener if I put the effort into making it green. Yesterday – didn’t make all the choices I wanted. But the world did not and will not end. Neither has my focus…it just got blurred with the bad day I had. Today, things are clear again. I have not stepped on the scale since last Friday when it showed a 7 lb loss. I know that this week has not been as disciplined as the week before and I don’t want the number to deter me from my ultimate goal of living and being healthy. All these little excuses to convince yourself it’s ok to eat can really add up! Much more than I ever thought possible. I knew I was an emotional and comfort eater, but I never realized how often those kinds of thoughts would cross my mind when the climate is less than perfect (and I’m not talking about the weather!), and how often I wouldn't even think about it and just give in to it. I am also finding that I am plagued by wanting to give in. Perhaps as I keep moving forward, it will get easier and easier not to give in. On some days it’s very easy not to give in, others are hard.

I’m kinda all over the place this morning but this is one of those rare times that I feel that I’m not just planning my journey, I’m actually on it and living it. Learning from what mistakes I am making and not letting them destroy my efforts and victories. It’s hard. But it’s worth to keep on keepin’ on.

Unstable weekend

Enough with the rain! I know it doesn't compare to Texas or other hurricane ravaged areas, but we set a record on Saturday for the most rain in one day for the City of Chicago..more than 6 inches. Several rivers have flooded including the north branch of the Chicago River right in the city. Personally, I got some seepage in my basement (rivers of it) but that's about it. Although the owners marked down that they did not get water in the basement, so we're gonna check into that. Mucho kudos to the police, fire department, volunteers and the media even for doing so much over the weekend to help people out and get information to the public and keeping them as up to date as possible.

With the rain came also a rocky weekend for me with food. First was Saturday night. I was at my mom's for a little pizza dinner because of my brother's birthday. this is usually a problem anyway because when it comes to being at my moms...all bets are off and I just like to find stuff to fill my stomach with. I knew it was coming and had a plan (brought carrots with me and only going to have a set amount of pizza) and then a few little things got in my way (eating too late, really hungry and hell, it was Aurelio's pizza man!!)and I let it go. And topped it off with ice cream. Sunday started off well enough...a friend took me out to lunch after church and I ordered a skillet, ate half for the other half to take home. After my 2.5 hour drive home in the traffic and rain and flooded roads, I was not in the best of moods when I got home, a few unkind words from my friend and all in all ended up eating more in addition to the leftovers from breakfast.

Didn't feel too bad about it, but I've learned some lessons this weekend. One: bring more than carrots to snack on in case dinner is 2 hours later than what you counted on. Two: Don't drive on days where the streets are flooded and you have to find creative, non flooded ways to get home. Three: Find someone else to go to when emotions get the better of me and I want to bring food into the occasion. Because he sucked at it. I know it was my choice to binge, not his..but gotta find someone else next time.

This morning things seem to be back on track. Going to have a long week, spending most of my time at school for one thing or another. Brought my lunch and dinner with me, as well as some apples to snack on. Also getting lots of water down. The weekend is usually a bad time for me to get all my water drunk. The whole exercise thing seems to be MIA as I forgot to bring my workout clothes with me today and I can't seem to get in that groove. Just like the food though..I just gotta do it and forget thinking about it all the time.

Mixed up

Last friday saw my highest ever on the scale. 281. Marked it down. This friday saw 274.5. Wow. That's awesome. I expected something, but not this. Wow.

One week now I've been eating better. And the odd thing is...it's not hard! It's been so easy, like everything I've ever learned has finally clicked into the right place and it's working. I bought a bunch of veggies at the store and I'm eating them! I eat much smaller portions and even when I feel a little hungry, I don't give in to it! I eat when I know it's right and ignore the rest. I'm not saying it's smooth sailing, because I still think about what I"m making, and catch myself wanting to eat because it's in there or I'm bored or whatever, but it's a lot easier to talk myself out of it. It's like the logical part of my brain and eating what's best for me has finally taken over the emotional side that makes me eat whenever and whatever the heck I feel like and to heck with the consequences.

Time to get moving again! Back to the walking and strength tape. My knee has been giving me heck lately though. Maybe because of the weather, I don't know. I tried my mile walk the other morning before school. My normal 25 min mile took me over 40 min, but I'm glad I still walked...it was a beautiful morning and it felt good. Despite the rain today, I will be walking again.

Goal: Walk every morning for 1 mile. Strength tape every other day and my core rhythms every day. At the end of the week...I'm going to the movies!

Shaken and stirred

Last week I faced a crossroads and had to make a choice on where my life was going to be heading (food wise). On Saturday my friend helped to convince me not to go for the burger and fries at Flugtag and ever since, I made my choice to move off my previous path and on to better portion control and better choices and I've been feeling great ever since. Great..heck, I've been wonderful! I feel hungry and yet I know I can get past it and eat what is best for me and not having food control me anymore has been a natural high that I never want to get down from.

Today, I made a small slip. I knew what I was doing with those baked lays, it wasn't a huge one, but not part of my plan and so I indulged in several servings of them, threw the bag away and thought there...what's done is done. It tasted good and I felt better and was ready to move on. My unconscious had another idea. My cabinet here at school is stacked with snacks for my students for this month...including one of my faves....cracker sandwiches with pb and some with cheese. One very, very brief thought entered my head about grabbing some of those crackers and running for the border. Lasted all of about 5 seconds, but shook me up for better part of an hour. I was so shocked by this thought that it threw me off balance and out of sorts for the rest of the morning. By the time I went down to lunch (sans the chips I had set aside for lunch time), I was feeling more like my normal self. (Note: I did not grab the crackers, but my apple instead and munched on that). For lunch, I had my salad, half sandwich, pears and milk. The interaction with the other teachers distracted me long enough and by the end of lunch I was much better.

Even now, as I write it, it sounds ridiculous to me that one little thought should have such a violent reaction, but I remember it very vividly how strong it was. Since Saturday, not one thought like it has entered my head and I've been very happy without them. Maybe I needed the reminder not to let my head get too far in the clouds, remember what got me here in the first place, and how to stay away from it in the future. I ate those chips for the wrong reason and I should know better than to treat food like that.

Breast cancer walk

In 2006 I did the 3 day walk for breast cancer here in Chicago and loved it. It was one of the toughest things I have ever done, but it was worth it. 2007 and 2008 held some other challenges for me so I didn't quite make it to those, but 2009, watch out! There's money to raise, walking to do and hopefully building or finding my own team to do it with. If anyone is out there who has done it before that might have some good tips for fundraising or anything, or would like to walk...drop me a comment.

For more info, check out The 3 Day website.

Hope

Anyone play poker? You know when you have a really good hand and you know you can beat the odds. You are so confident in your hand that you are even willing to go "all in"? You are willing to bet everything that you can win it all. Now, the chances are there that you might not make it, but you are willing to chance it. I'm there. I am ready to go all in. I am ready to put it all out on the table and give it all I've got so that I can win the pot in the middle of the table. The only thing I've got to lose is weight.

I wish I could say I had finally come to this realization on my own, but I didn't. Through a long conversation on Thursday and an even longer one on Saturday, my friend helped me realize something I had never held for myself: hope. He's a bit of an extremist, and doesn't fully understand losing weight, but throughout our talk, he convinced me that I have everything possible within me to make this happen. Recently, I had come to the happy conclusion that I was not making decisions that made me happy and making myself feel guilty for things that I enjoyed doing, and so, decided to stop doing such things and beating myself up. Having crossed that emotional hurdle, this conversation, while at times quite frank, was so good for me. Not only did we talk long enough that I didn't go over to the concession stand for a hot dog or burger, but convinced me that indeed, I would survive if I didn't get anything. We ended up leaving soon after and getting something healthier to eat somewhere else. Honestly, I'm not sure exactly how he did it, but he gave me so much hope, that even though it's going to suck at first learning new portions, that I could do it. As much as I hoped this for myself, I don't think I ever fully believed that it was possible for me to literally be half the person that I am now. What an empowering thought!

**Edit**

I don't mean to leave out all those wonderful people who have supported me over the years while I wrestle with my weight. My family and my friends and online friends have been great and very supportive! Without them, I wouldn't have kept going for so long, I probably would have given up! Maybe it was just the right time for me, and he just said the right words at this time that they had such an impact on me.

Just another Manic Monday

ok, well, it's really Tuesday, but the effect is still the same...the start of another week!

I gotta tell ya, I had a great weekend! It was mostly spent at home, but I did go out to a friend's house on Saturday to watch the Cubs game, had dinner there and then went to see Martina McBride!! I have always wanted to see her in concert and she was as great as I had hoped! Her voice is just incredible! I don't know how she doesn't lose her voice all the time, she sings with such power and passion! The rest of the weekend, however was spent doing things around the house. I love going out and seeing my friends, but I've found I equally love staying in and working around my house (still can't get used to that yet!)

I've gotten back to some of my walking again, which is good! Allison had a great idea of walking before work, so of course this morning when I went to hit snooze, I turned it off instead, woke up too late and left no time for walking. But tomorrow, it's on!

I have a great meal plan for today, and a very long day here at school, but I am prepared with food from home and will not stray to the various fast food joints around here. As long as I make a plan, it's easier for me to stay focused and on track.

Finally Friday

My prediction came true this week. I knew that once I was back in school and dealing with the long drive and my angels, that things would change and they have. During school, I've been staying on plan. It's when I get home, things fall apart a little bit, with eating and keeping up with my chores. I've been trying all week to get my laundry done and my kitchen cleaned and every evening, I end up watching TV and feeling too tired to want to do anything. I eat a big snack and then a big dinner, feel horrible because I'm not getting the things done that I want to and eating too much stuff and just being tired. Then I'm just tired and feeling sorry for myself and upset and so nothing gets done and I go to bed. Bah. I don't want to spend the school year acting like this! I can't spend my evenings being like this. It's getting away from who I am and who I'm trying to be. (and it's making the number on the scale reach ever higher and higher!)

I guess my first problem is how to get over not being so tired when I get home after a long drive (usually about an hour). I feel too tired to do my walk, to do some light housework, to make a real meal (at least I am convincing myself of this). So far all I've come up with is to maybe do my walk here at school before I get in the car to drive home. Or just trying to force myself to do some things anyway, it'll make me feel better.

I realize this is mostly rambling and brainstorming to figure out how to get over myself and do a few things that need to be done. but if anyone has a suggestion or two...thanks!

Another day

Hey,...I cooked last night. Real cooking. Not heating up something in the microwave. I'm so proud. :)

On top of that, it was really good! I made some chicken salsa, mexican rice from a package and my friend cooked up some seasoned corn. Made for a delicious meal :)

I'm still trying to make sense of my emotional eating the other night, but I'm not really sure how to do it. I guess what happened was a deep seeded fear about trusting and being in a relationship (although it's not progressed that far), and I immediately sank into old habits and feelings. I am a better person than that these days. Personally, I haven't felt this good in I don't know how long. I'm even doing better professionally and ready to have my best year yet (I'm finally living up to my potential :) ) I guess I still have some issues to deal with and I'm not sure how to overcome my fears. Maybe only time will be able to take care of it.

I'm being more careful about food these past couple of days and even got my walk in last night. Tonight I hope to get my walk in as well as my strength tape...it's the only way to shrink these arms!

And so it goes....

I can't even begin to put into words how I am feeling right now. Frustration. Anxiety. Fear. Anger. Self pity. It's coiled so tight in me that I almost feel as though I need to do physical harm to something or myself to try and relieve these overwhelming emotions. What is most baffling is that there is no sound, logic reason for me to be feeling these things so deeply, except I think they are being egged on by the fear. As soon as I wrote that previous sentence, I could feel the physical tension start to release. I mean, I had a reason for being a little disappointed earlier tonight, but what should have felt like a 3 on a scale of 1-10, felt more like an 8 or 9 which is totally out of whack. And I think I finally realize why...fear. And being alone this evening, not having anyone to talk it out with except myself, it just kept growing and growing until now and realizing what was going wrong. It had to do with a member of the opposite sex. And despite my new found "key to a happier life", I still harbor some really deep fears when it comes to dating and my "appeal" to the opposite sex. It scared me that I could easily slip back into the old habits tonight...which I did. I totally drained my body eating a crazy number of carbs/starches (potatoes and bread) and sugar from 1 1/2 cans of soda. I am starting to feel normal again, but have wasted like the entire night feeling sorry for myself and upset and everything. Even if no one is listening, I am glad I have this place to talk it out or I might have gone to bed not even realizing what was really going on in my head and maybe feeling worse, and taking it out again tomorrow and doing worse damage. To top it off, I'm stressed about the beginning of the year and how I'm going to deal with such a small class.

Tomorrow is a new day. Plan the meals, and get back to walking tomorrow...I've taken too much time off and I need to get back to it. It always makes me feel better.

Exhausted, but accomplished

Today was the first day of my 2 mile walk. I decided to do it all together because I may not be back home later before the sun goes down. I tried to pace myself (it was the first 2 miles in a row I've done in about 2 years), and half way through the second mile, I was ready to sit down! But I trudged on, keeping my mind busy with other thoughts and finally, I was back at my house. Woohoo! I was so happy to finish it! Plus, when I checked the time I did it in 50 minutes! Still on a pace of about 25 min per mile! I am definitely happy with that! I'm off to hit the showers and then bury myself in my classroom this afternoon!

HYC

Today I was out all day and eating was good :) Even got some fruit in. But, because of everything, no work out. So, my new workout week (see goals in post below), will start tomorrow. I stepped on the scale this morning, but I'm going to get a second opinion tomorrow morning when I wake up...lol I'm excited with some of my new choices and outlook, need to work harder at the food thing, and I hope that the scale will soon reflect what I'm doing.

Oxymoron

Well, I did it! I finished this week and met my exercise goal every day! I walked every day and did my strength tape every other day. Yesterday and today I even did my Core Rhythms DVD as an added bonus. My eating is still not where I want it to be, but I'm working on my portion control.

Next weeks goal: Walking 1 mile every day. Strength tape every other day. Walking extra mile on non-tape days.

I was thinking on my walk today on how I have finally arrived at this point in my life in which I am able to make some of these changes. The main thing was...I had to finally realize how much I love and accepted myself as I was. Then, I could change. I struggled for years...knowing how to lose weight, but unable to come around to doing the things I needed to do to reach that goal. I couldn't even force myself to accept myself (I tried that too!) and I couldn't figure out the final piece to the emotional puzzle of being so big. After much praying and thinking about it, I have come to a place where I totally and completely accepted myself. I was so tired of feeling bad for the choices I make that I just said screw it! I am gonna do what I want to do and be happy with myself no matter what I choose. That acceptance finally allowed me to start making choices that were better for my health (ok, maybe not *all* the time), but even when I eat the pretzels with salsa con queso, it's ok. I eat the amount I want and then put it away. The emotional binging seems to have diminished greatly (it's not totally gone and maybe never will be) and it's such a relief off my shoulders. It's the piece of the puzzle that eluded me for so long.

So far though..it's been pretty easy. I've been on summer break. No students to deal with, no getting up and driving an hour every day to and from work, no coming home feeling too tired to cook. Next week, school starts and so does a new routine. I am going to have to find a good time to get my walks in and other work out, but because it's starting to become important, I must make time for it. I'm going to have to make sure I prepare my meals and prepare for my meals so I'm not "oh I'll just run by BK on my way home because I forgot to bring my dinner". OK, so I may do that once or twice, but I don't want it to be the norm.

That's the key. Plan the work. Work the plan. As long as I plan, I will keep moving forward.

New haircut

Here is my new 'do! I donated 10 inches to Locks of Love last week. It's starting to grow on me :)

HYC

ok...2 days in a row now...and I am on track with my walking and working out. Had a little glitch when hooking up my vcr to do my strength tape, but worked it all out and I feel great!!

It's been a busy week so far. Yesterday, my friend came over and hooked up my dryer. My mom and another friend came over and we dug up some unwanted plants and trees and had leftovers from my party on Friday. Today I had to go and get my Indiana driver's liscence that I waited until the last minute to get. Needed some things that were still packed up and boy was I panicking! I am so poorly organized, it took me a couple hours to find them, but I did and now I'm legal again. :)

I did step on the scale and I didn't like it, but thats the way the cookie crumbles. I know that if I keep on track with the walking and strength, I will be going good. The food still isn't where I would like it to be, but I'm not fretting about it.

I also got about 10 inches of my hair cut off today! A little girl I know was recently diagnosed with leukemia, and I wanted to donate my hair to Locks of Love. it's a bit shorter than I wanted it to be, but it looks cute! When I get pictures on my computer, I will post some.

Well, I guess I'm off for now. Have a great week!

where does the time go?

It's been a crazy busy couple of weeks! Last weekend I was in Nebraska for a family reunion and it was great! I got to see cousins that I haven't seen for several years, it was really nice! And I was very happy with how I handled the fast food decisions that needed to be made!!

This past weekend was my birthday weekend! I had a blast! It has to be one the best birthdays I have ever had!! Thursday it started by going up in a plane and actually flying it for about 30 minutes!!! It was incredible!! I thought I would have problems because of my size, and it was snug, but everything worked out and a once in a life time experience!! Friday, it was party time at my house!! Had about 30 ppl over and we had a great time! Saturday night, 3 friends and I went out to a bar to see some dueling pianos! I've never been before and it was a blast! Yesterday was very quiet, rested and relaxed and had dinner with my mom and sister (and nephew!).

Today, I am rested and rejuvenated and feeling great being 30! I finally got back to my walking, and have been cleaning and working around the house so far today. This week is going to be busy again. Today I want to work around my house. Tomorrow I am getting my hair chopped off and donating it to Locks of Love. I also have to get my Indiana Drivers liscence in which I have to take the written test! Wednesday I am babysitting for my nephew, Thursday is meeting at school and doing payroll and working there, Friday I am babysitting again for my nephew. Saturday I will probably be able to do some more work around the house. I got paint on Saturday to paint my kitchen and bathroom.

My goal this week is back to walking and doing strength every other day. I never accomplished that goal a couple weeks ago, so there it is. Time to start thinking about school and keeping things up with my house. Busy times ahead, but I want to keep my eyes toward the prize - health and happiness.

Week one

I did it! One week of walking! Ok, so it's not a big deal, I've done it before...in fact I've done a couple weeks. But, it's a step forward. Now, I just have to go and find what movie I want to go see tomorrow :)

My goal for the next week will be the same as last week. I wasn't able to do the strength video because, well, I hadn't actually found it yet (I moved a couple months ago). I finally found it at my mom's house. It was a blessing in disguise, I think because I don't think I was actually up to pushing myself that far yet. But this week, I will be. It's going to be tougher because I will be out of town from Thursday to Sunday, but I am determined to get to the movies again.

To be clear: Walking every day. Strength tape every other day. Make only those decisions that make me happy and ready to get through the day. :)

Why must we torture ourselves??

I just don't get it. But I do it. I see new friends doing it. I see people I don't know doing it. And the crazy thing is...we don't have to do it! No where is it written that we have to do it. Yet, like everyone is doing it.

We torture ourselves. We beat ourselves up, down and all around. And it's driving me crazy and I just won't do it anymore!!! We're killing ourselves because we need to know what the scale says. We tear ourselves apart because we went over in calories or we don't feel like exercising or didn't get all our fruits and veggies in today.

I would love to just slap everyone silly. Including myself. I definitely include myself in this, until recently. I have stopped beating myself up over every little thing and cursing myself because i'm not on track or the scale isn't moving. I don't know if I'll stay this way, but I'm loving how I am now!! And of course I wish everyone else would stop it too! So, you need a break, take a break! When you are rested, pick yourself up again. WHY MUST WE BE MISERABLE BECAUSE WE ARE BIG?? Why do we make ourselves this way? It doesn't have to be, it wasn't meant to be that way. I want nothing more than to knock that into anyone and everyone skinny or big. Flaws become us and damn it, I am just too happy with myself to care less!

And this has done absolute wonders for me. I have spent the week walking, eating smaller portions and enjoying it all. One more day of walking and I am rewarding myself with a trip to the movies. I rarely go, even though I love them...so this is my little treat for walking every day. And if I do it again next week, I'll go see another movie. I am finally doing things I only plan about, my struggle within myself has lessened and I'm moving forward. I hope and pray I can continue to do so.

So, STOP it already, ok? You can do it and you will.

Not myself today

Which is unfortunate because myself has a lot of work to be doing today. But I think I will lay off some of the more physical to accomplish other jobs to be done. Not sure what is wrong, just feel off. Plus, I can't take a deep breath without coughing which is also odd. The weather is beautiful today so I should have no problems with my walk...although I may replace it with mowing the lawn..not sure I have enough energy to do both today. Just don't know what's wrong. Oh well, maybe when I get some lunch into me, it'll be better.

HYC

Ok, so the scale stayed the same....275.5.

That's good. I didn't gain. The past couple of weeks, that has been my goal. Get my emotional eating more under control and stop eating to feed my emotions. Now, I'm ready to start going down. I gave myself a goal of one week to complete some goals I set for myself (see previous post). Yesterday I did my walking, so today I'm going to walk again and then do my strength tape. I don't walk very far yet, only 1 mile. But I know that as I get stronger again, I will be able to go further and faster. My eating yesterday was also more controlled. I'm following Jenny Craig guidelines for "Meals on your own" so that I have parameters to follow. I'm also writing it all down.

I hope everyone has a great week and is enjoying their summer! I may write more later, but I'm off for my walk before it gets too warm out!

One week

OK, so I set up some goals for myself and I gave myself the time frame of One week in order to do it. If, at the end of the week, I have completed my tasks, I will reward myself with a movie.

Goals: walk every morning (or evening) and do my strength tape every other day.


it's not much, but I needed to set a goal and reward to get myself going on a regular basis. I have a history of being sporadic with these things and it's crazy. So, what will I do after one week? do another week, I guess. I hadn't thought that far, just want to get through the first.

I've also set up a plan to be more careful with my portion control.

I've been wondering this past week, after my ah-ha moment about struggling with myself, I've been so much happier, but I haven't changed any of my habits. So, I was wondering..do I really like being morbidly obese? Do I really enjoying eating such large portions of food and sitting on my ass all the time? My energy fades quickly these days so I sit around reading or on the internet or in front of the television. Is this really a life I enjoy? After all, this is what I do and I'm not struggling anymore and much more peaceful.

I know it is not healthy to continue at this weight, but am I really happy being the way I am? Am I really, finally, happy with myself? So much so, that I'm finally ready to change? It's not going to be easy. It's a daunting task really, to set myself against years and years of living this way, feeling this way, being this way. Do I really have the perseverance, the discipline, the audacity to change myself? For my journal tomorrow, I am going to make a list of reasons why....not why I would be happy, because that would imply that I'm sad..and I'm no longer sad (about my body). But reasons why I would be happier and why my life would be easier to shed this extra person I have carrying around on my bones.

Perhaps that is why I have given myself the time frame of one week. When one has years and years of habits to change, one week doesn't sound that bad. After that, I think, I will just add another week, etc.

HYC

Summertime, summertime, sum- sum- summertime!

I love it! No school! Beautiful weather! Sunny days and thunderstorms.

Seems I've been through a lot this summer and it's only mid July. A very emotional summer it's been. But, I think it's been good for me and I will come out even better in the end even though some of it has not been good in the present, while some have great results (see post below "Will the real Tracy please stand up?")

I have finally gotten off my ass and walked 1 mile for 3 out of the last 5 days. One morning it was raining hard and this morning I had to come to school to do payroll, so no walking. It is supposed to be quite warm and humid, but I should be able to get one in this evening. they have been slow walks and not very far, but it feels good to be out there doing what I enjoy once again.

I did step on the scale this morning and it read......275.5. Some of the other numbers I didn't record in recent weeks included 276 and 279.5...so I am comfortable with those numbers. I am going to step on the scale once a week, journal my eating and walking (and other activity) and keep track of where I'm going. The other thing I am going to add is doing a strength tape every other day to add to the walking. My knee hasn't been so good, so we'll see how it goes.

I just got the internet at home, so I can now post more often as well as browse everyone else's blogs. I hope everyone has a fantastic week!

Will the real Tracy please stand up?

Are you the person you were meant to be?

This morning I have realized that I can answer that with an unequivocal no. I am not the person I was meant to be. The real me is inside, struggling to get out and be heard and recognized. It has spent years being tramped on and shut up because of fear, too much sensitivity, shyness and who knows what else. And she's ready to come out. The real me wants to stop rejecting herself because of choices she's made. She wants to enjoy going out as much as staying in. She wants to finally, really, learn how to cook...like an adult, not like a teenager. She wants to have time to get to know her sister and brother better, she wants to reach out to them without fear holding her back and be a friend and a sister. She wants to not only be independent, but be happy about it and content with her lifestyle. She just doesn't want to have friends, but learn how to be a better friend. She wants to take the time and energy to be the kind of teacher God called her to be.


How did I come to this huge, earth shattering realization? A romance novel.

Yes, I said a romance novel. It wasn't Oprah, and it wasn't Dr. Phil. It was a silly, cheap, romance novel. Not the skinny duplicated ones, but a 400+ page epic novel type. By the end of the story..her "love" figured out the reason she needed those outlets was because she living up to an image and being a person, that didn't fit her. She was not the person she was meant to be. Now, this wasn't a life turned upside down moment, but allowed a different view of herself that she didn't know about, and allowed her to let go of her demons and move on. Of course, they eventually all lived happily ever after as good romance novels never fail to give us that.

I love romance novels, I've been reading them for as long as I can remember. Lately though, they've been having a negative effect on me. I get terribly engrossed in the tale (as I do all books) and can't wait for the end when the struggles have been worked out and they find love after all. Lately after finishing one after another has really just left me depressed and sad at being single and have not yet found that type of love. As I contemplated this one I realized how much I was like the heroine of this novel.

I have often felt "rebellious" when it comes to food. And lord knows I've been struggling for so long. I finally realized though that my struggle is not with food but with myself. Well, i guess I already knew that, but I guess I really didn't know that. I never felt it so keenly before though. As I was working it all out, it was like another window had been opened on my path and I felt peaceful. It's not so much that I want to lose weight (although I do want to do that) is that for so long, I've been wanting peace. I struggle constantly with so much because I was, on the outside, trying to be someone that wasn't completely true to myself. I asked myself today, what was stopping me? I've been waiting for so long for my knight in shining armor (please excuse the cliche) to come along and save me. Like I was a victim or something. I have lived so much of my life feeling (and sometimes acting) like I was a victim. Of what? I have nothing that needs saving. I most certainly have it in my power to save myself (something I told myself many times, but never believed). I have a great support system and there's no reason not to rise to the occasion and figure this thing out myself.

So....I am going to sign off for now (perhaps do a little browsing), and get to work. She's ready to come out, even if I'm not quite ready for her to emerge. But I'm going to work harder at bringing her out instead of shutting her up with food and other stuff that just doesn't belong in my life.

3 cheers for Tracy!

Ok...well maybe just one is deserved...but I finally stopped bitchin and worrying long enough to finally get my big butt outside and go for a walk! It was slow and only went about a mile...but it felt good!! Even though I tell myself this, I couldn't get my ass out there! Today I finally did! Hello?? anyone home?? Bah!

I finally got the internet at home. It will stretch my budget, but I think it'll be good for me. I really miss perusing the blogs and sparkpeople in the morning before school starts and I never realized how good it was for me. I was watching a rerun on Oprah the other morning about food and kids and weight loss and stuff and somehow I realized the enormity of the task I have ahead of myself. Not about losing weight, I know how to do that, but of reversing all those negative images that are implanted in my brain. Holy cow! It's not just about reversing years of bad habits and emotional issues...but man, think about how long I and others have been bombarded with this stuff?!? No wonder we keep spiraling down instead of climbing to the top and staying t here with everyone else. well, I don't know if it was the final key...but it definitely opened a window and part of my morning routine is definitely going to be visiting blogs. I don't comment much, but I read and it helps so much. Maybe some daily self talk will be good as well.

well, time to go find some breakfast. I am getting the walking in, the water is good...now I need to work on portions and better food choices....one step at a time :)

HYC check in

Well, my goal this past week has been dealing with my emotions and emotional eating. I have finally started to lift out of the doldrums and be more steady. I have spent this week concentrating on not eating emotionally, and I haven't done that!! Now, I haven't really eaten to lose weight, but that's ok, it wasn't my goal. I did not step on a scale this week. I may do it next week, I may not. I am going to spend this week again with my emotions and keeping them separated from eating. This morning was the only morning I really did that (overate due to emotions). I got in contact with a friend and am confident that it won't spill over into the other meals of the day. This next week will also have to focus on the holiday (always a "free for all" eating session). This afternoon I am also going to be in contact with some area fitness centers (Curves, YMCA) do some comparison shopping and see what I come up with. I really want to get back to walking again. I think then I will start looking at the scale again and start eating to lose weight instead of just not overeating. One step at a time.


I've been doing some unpacking and have found some old notebooks of mine and found countless times I wrote about "how bad I ate today" or "today wasn't a good day" Oh my goodness. Have I really spent so much time worrying and fretting over my weight? There are so many other things in this world to be concerned about and all I can do is think about my eating. (ok, not all I do, but you know what I mean). I mean, really, how on earth did I really end up being this big? My mom was skinny when she was little and never really lost (and put on few more) her baby weight after the 3 of us were born...so she was always a little on the big side, but not like me. My brother and sister are a nice, average, healthy weight. How did I end up with an extra 125+ lbs on my 5'4" frame? I feel like such an outcast that most times I just want to be invisible (ok, that's also the shyness talking)...but maybe they go hand in hand? I don't know. I am approaching the big 3-0. I really don't want to spend my thirties as grumpy and dumpy as my twenties. Its time for more change and be done with the old me. Why do I convince myself that I will fail? Get past that, and you will finally see a lean, mean, fighting machine...nothing will be able to stop me then.

From the bottom on up...

(The theme from the Jefferson's comes to mind)

I finally binged last night. I haven't been eating healthy, but haven't actually binged until last night. Maybe it was what I needed, I'm not sure. But this morning, things feel a little brighter (even when I woke up at like 2:30 in the morning, I could tell my disposition felt lighter than this past week or so). I learned earlier this week that even though I wanted "instant" results and feel better, it's not gonna happen. Day by day: working, planning, praying - results will happen. I will be lifted from my pit.

Recently I started reading a book about meditation. The woman who wrote it has actually become a Buddhist (which I have no intention of becoming ) but I think I will get some benefits on meditation and teaching myself some strategies to calm myself down. I am a very sensitive (overly so) person and very empathetic and can experience some extreme emotions sometimes (even when it has nothing to do with me). I can even tell right now - I feel so good that I am getting out of the doldrums that I can even feel some elation. I want to use some of the meditation techniques to even my emotions out....stay away from the extreme highs and lows....even keel...without just burying my emotions and ignoring them where they will likely explode at some point later on.

HYC - Emotions

Been dealing with a lot of emotions this month. For an emotional eater who hasn't learned how to fully deal with that connection...my desire to change is at one of its weakest point (whenever I am highly emotional). Learning how to deal with emotions is also something I try to teach my kindergarteners about. I was rather frustrated as I watched one woman this morning as she was doing exactly the opposite of what I try to teach them. She was upset about something (and rightly so) and confronted the person who had upset her (also rightly so). But interrupted the entire class to rebuke her in front of everyone and proceeded to talk about her to other people in the class after she had sat down. One lesson I try to teach my kids is about anger. Naturally kids get mad or upset because, say, one kid pushed him and wants to push him back. I try to teach them that its ok to feel anger (or other emotions) but it's not ok to hurt other people because we are angry.

Hello?!?! is that not Exactly what I do to myself? When I was ignorant, I didn't know that I was abusing food to help myself. But I know better and do it anyway (at least sometimes). Why should I use my emotions as an excuse to harm myself? I don't deserve to be abused and yet, I have been doing it for years. Always putting myself down. Always. Even as an adult. Bringing myself to believe that the choices I have made to make myself big made me a bad person. Unhealthy maybe, but not bad.

My goals for the coming week: Emotions. Start by letting emotions flow alone. Run their course and let them go. No need to involve food. this will also be helped by carefully planning my meals for each day (which is good anyway) to help me to stay focused and really try to separate eating and emotions.

Simply Miserable

That's how I feel. Just miserable. The week after dad died, I didn't do too well with staying on track. The week after that, I seemed to get back to myself again. Now I'm back in the doldrums. I am in the god-awful cycle of hating what i see in the mirror and eating as a result of it, even though I know it just contributes to the image in the mirror. I am in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it, or if I even feel like getting out of it. I wake up in the morning asking myself, "what kind of junk do I want for breakfast today?" Just to purposefully start the day of wrong. I am sabatoging myself and I don't understand why. Luckily, my efforts to do me in have only resulted in my weight staying the same and not going up. I really need to figure out what is driving these feelings and actions, or else figure out how to ignore them and do what I need to do next in order to keep going.

HYC

It's been a crazy week...but I stayed the same in weight. Water was hard being out of school and all the things going on this past week. This will be short and hope to catch up with everyone later.

I love you dad.

There are no words to express the emptiness you have left and the joy in the knowledge that you suffer no more and are rejoicing with our Lord in heaven. You will be missed and we all look forward to the day we can be reunited once more.

Wordless Wednesday (a day late)

Yes, it's not really wednesday, but the emotional rollercoaster continues and I'm just not feeling it, so I thought I'd post a pic. here is me with my new nephew

Mixed emotions

Yesterday bombed. In a bad way. I feel as though I've barely started and I'm already off the wagon and can't pull myself up. It's such a busy, stressful week, and I can't wait for school to be finished for the summer. I just don't have the strength to make the hard decisions that shouldn't be hard at all considering it's for my good health and well being. My stomach is reminding me of the injustice I did yesterday. It is very upset right now, although I am a little stressed as well.

This morning I was hit with some news that has literally left me breathless. You could probably knock me over with a feather right now. I teach at a small school. We are struggling pretty badly right now, but there are people willing to work to make changes and turn things around. I believe in my school and the people here and the education we offer. And there are certain people that I know feel the same way. Or at least I thought I did. One family in which I have become particularly close to has decided to go to a different school next year. I am completely blown away by this news. A million emotions are going through me right now. Was I a bad teacher? I mean, I know I can always do better, but am I really that bad? I feel betrayed. These people that I love and trusted are deserting us and don't believe in us in the way I thought they did. I know people have a right to send their children anywhere to get an education (and they should!) , but I thought they were on our side. There are definite pros and cons to our school, but I believe the pros outweigh the cons, and I thought this family did as well. How can we hope to survive with actions such as these?

I know these things are not in my hands...if we are meant to close, then so be it. But I'm not willing to go down without a fight and try and make things work. I know all I can do is pray and pray that God uses me the right way to do His work.

HYC....not a pleasant week

Weight: 273.0 lbs
Body Fat %: 47.5
Water: 37%

I need to check into this body fat % thing is...I actually went down...does that mean I've gained a little muscle?

I feel like the poster child for "what not to do". 2 lb gain and I grabbed some leftover pizza for breakfast this morning. Now, really, how is that supposed to help me??

This is the last week of school, so schedules are off, kids are crazy to be done, and I'm getting ready for Kindergarten graduation and closing service on Friday. I see no reason to forget about taking care of myself.

Things done well this past week:

Drank water. I have so much water flowing through me, it feels great. It helps that I love water, it's not too difficult to get it all down. Being at home is a little more difficult, but I think I can get into the habit.

Things to work on:

Going out to eat. I did it again last night with pizza. I didn't prepare myself as well as I thought I had and it was free food and I treated it like a free for all. Stuffed myself good. (but also drank several glasses of water too.)

Was off schedule over the weekend. Ate at odd times and over ate as a result.


Goals:

Get back to my Jenny Craig roots. I've been on and off this program a couple times..usually I go off because I really can't afford their food. I took away something this time though, and that was their "meal on your own" plan. I would have to say it's comparable to Weigh Watchers "points", in that it gives you so many "things" a day to stick to and you can lose weight. JC, instead of points breaks it down by food groups, and gives you guides for a certain number of starches, protiens, fats, milks, etc. for each meal/day, depending on how you want to break it down. My goal for this week is to refresh my memory on those numbers, and apply it to the food I am eating each day and journal it. This will let me see if I'm eating too much of one thing or not enough of another, etc.

Keep up with the water. I've already got 12 oz down and it's barely 8 am. My secret: I use a pop can as a water bottle. I don't know why, but for some reason, it's easier for me to drink and I drink a lot more than when I was using a water bottle. I've also used the small water bottles in the past, and that also seemed to help me drink more than when using the bigger ones.




Ok, it's time to get things ready for the start of school. I will not be the poster child for "what not to do" anymore.

Mean People Suck

Here's a surprise for all you people not reading my blog. I am not a perfect person. I can tell you are shocked.

I make mistakes like everyone else. As you know, I am a teacher...I teach at a small Lutheran school in Chicago. Like many Lutheran teachers, I wear many hats and do what I can to make my school the best it can be. But I am not without my own mistakes. And when confronted with a mistake, I am the first to admit to it and own up to it and apologize to parties involved and do what I can to make it better or change for the next time.

I recently came under attack by one of the parents at the school. According to her, I have it in for her daughter. And she was not nice about it at all. Unfortunately for me, I am a wuss. I do not deal well with people like this. Ultimately, I ended up in tears against this woman's false accusations against me. And not just little tears, but great, sobbing waterworks. And, to set the record straight, I do not have it in for her daughter. Now, this person really doesn't know me very well at all and is only going on what she has observed me. And with that, I try to stay calm, but I really don't know how to deal with it. Luckily, I guess, graduation is around the corner and her and her daughter will be gone from our school and I won't have to face her again. Although, I wonder how the gossip will get around our little school about the kindergarten teacher brought to tears from a parent?

How do you do it? How do you face people like that? Can you? or do you just move on and let it go?

Long week

Man it took a long time to get to Friday.

It's been a good week, but a long one. On Tuesday evening, my nephew was born! (will post a picture later). He, of course, is the most adorable thing I have ever seen. He is 21 inches long, 7 lbs 8 oz.

The long part came from school. We have one more week after this one and we are finished for the year. My students have been driving me crazy the last couple of days!! They've been crazy, I've been irritable, and it made for a long week. I'm so glad the weekend is here.

I did have to chuckle at one of my Kindergartners the other day though. He's definitely on the creative side of things, a better drawer than I am even though he is only 6! he's also not bad with music and likes to hum and sing when the mood strikes him. The other day it was the Indiana Jones theme (plus he has the others singing it now!)

J: *humming Indiana Jones theme while drawing with other students* I just love Davy Jones!

R: *pipes in* it's Indiana Jones! not Davy Jones!

J: Oh yeah! I love Indiana Jones!



I weighed in this morning at the same weight as last week. OK...better than a gain and a sign that I need to turn it up a notch and watch out for danger zones. I have all late nights here at school next week. With planning my meals, it shouldn't be a problem, although I don't get to get over to the fitness center like I wanted to. So I guess I will have to wait until school is out and start walking regularly. I know it will definitely help my efforts to get on a treadmill. Looking over my journal from the last week, I definitely had moments that I wasn't paying attention to what I was eating and didn't make the choices I wanted to make. I did get all of the water in I wanted to. I've been drinking like a horse! Most days I got in at least 72 oz.

Goals: Keep reading inspiration from the people on the challenge to keep my motivation
Drink my water!
Be more aware of what I eat and continue to journal it all.
Find time to blog even though I am irritated and unhappy, it will keep me going.

I have been thinking lately that there is another piece of the puzzle that is missing. Something else that is holding me back from doing all I need to do to lose this weight. I am, by nature, a very shy and quiet person. I think I am having anxiety issues dealing with the attention associated with losing the amount of weight I need to lose. I think one day next week, will head over to Borders or something and see if they have anything that might help. Something to help with social skills/not being so shy/things like that. Something is holding me, I just don't know what it is. Maybe figure this out will help me let go and be healthier.

Feelin some love!

I think the best decision (or one of) I made was to join the HYC. It's exactly what I had hoped I would find. People who have similar goals and working their butts off to accomplish what they need to do and share in the love and encouragement (and butt kicking when needed) with everyone. Thank you to everyone who stopped by and as I have time, will stop by and read and leave comments as well. Busy, busy time here with getting my new house in order, school is ending next week, and my nephew was born this evening! But I love it! And keeping so busy with the house keeps me off my butt on the computer or the TV and I absolutely LOVE that!

I fell into trap number two tonight. The first one is eating out or eating where there's free food...I treat it as a free for all and don't need to watch it like I do when I'm at home being more consiensious (I know that's spelled wrong).

The second one...is my mom's house. I think it stems from growing up and wanting to eat. I have it in my head that when mom's out of the house...it's time to eat as much food as I can sneak while she's not here. Hello!! I'm nearly 30 years old!!! I don't need to sneak food anymore! It's not often I'm here and she's not, but I didn't prepare myself so that I could stop myself. I didn't even realize what I was doing until I was halfway through what I was stuffing into my face. At first I was just like...screw it...I messed up..just keep going. But then I realized what I was doing, how I was feeling (totally full and upset) and threw the rest in the garbage. But not before some damage was done. *sigh* Need to add it to my mental list so that next time I come over here and she's not here, I don't go through this. At least I will be aware of how I'm feeling and aware of what I'm going to eat (or not eat if it's not a meal time). It's not so much a problem when she's here, only when she's not.