Will the real Tracy please stand up?

Are you the person you were meant to be?

This morning I have realized that I can answer that with an unequivocal no. I am not the person I was meant to be. The real me is inside, struggling to get out and be heard and recognized. It has spent years being tramped on and shut up because of fear, too much sensitivity, shyness and who knows what else. And she's ready to come out. The real me wants to stop rejecting herself because of choices she's made. She wants to enjoy going out as much as staying in. She wants to finally, really, learn how to cook...like an adult, not like a teenager. She wants to have time to get to know her sister and brother better, she wants to reach out to them without fear holding her back and be a friend and a sister. She wants to not only be independent, but be happy about it and content with her lifestyle. She just doesn't want to have friends, but learn how to be a better friend. She wants to take the time and energy to be the kind of teacher God called her to be.


How did I come to this huge, earth shattering realization? A romance novel.

Yes, I said a romance novel. It wasn't Oprah, and it wasn't Dr. Phil. It was a silly, cheap, romance novel. Not the skinny duplicated ones, but a 400+ page epic novel type. By the end of the story..her "love" figured out the reason she needed those outlets was because she living up to an image and being a person, that didn't fit her. She was not the person she was meant to be. Now, this wasn't a life turned upside down moment, but allowed a different view of herself that she didn't know about, and allowed her to let go of her demons and move on. Of course, they eventually all lived happily ever after as good romance novels never fail to give us that.

I love romance novels, I've been reading them for as long as I can remember. Lately though, they've been having a negative effect on me. I get terribly engrossed in the tale (as I do all books) and can't wait for the end when the struggles have been worked out and they find love after all. Lately after finishing one after another has really just left me depressed and sad at being single and have not yet found that type of love. As I contemplated this one I realized how much I was like the heroine of this novel.

I have often felt "rebellious" when it comes to food. And lord knows I've been struggling for so long. I finally realized though that my struggle is not with food but with myself. Well, i guess I already knew that, but I guess I really didn't know that. I never felt it so keenly before though. As I was working it all out, it was like another window had been opened on my path and I felt peaceful. It's not so much that I want to lose weight (although I do want to do that) is that for so long, I've been wanting peace. I struggle constantly with so much because I was, on the outside, trying to be someone that wasn't completely true to myself. I asked myself today, what was stopping me? I've been waiting for so long for my knight in shining armor (please excuse the cliche) to come along and save me. Like I was a victim or something. I have lived so much of my life feeling (and sometimes acting) like I was a victim. Of what? I have nothing that needs saving. I most certainly have it in my power to save myself (something I told myself many times, but never believed). I have a great support system and there's no reason not to rise to the occasion and figure this thing out myself.

So....I am going to sign off for now (perhaps do a little browsing), and get to work. She's ready to come out, even if I'm not quite ready for her to emerge. But I'm going to work harder at bringing her out instead of shutting her up with food and other stuff that just doesn't belong in my life.